Don’t Let Your Man See You Putting on Spanx!

I recently discovered the blog Mind of Malaka, and it has become one of my new forms of entertainment. Malaka is a Ghanaian blogger based in the US who writes about marriage, motherhood, and madness! In a post that I stumbled upon: “Spousal Stimulation Does Not Always Equal Arousal’, Malaka discusses things married couples do, which single people would not understand (or people who are just dating). I thought the piece was quite disturbing  hilarious, so I had to share.  Malaka’s piece is a stark contrast to another article I was reading, which discusses a woman’s need for a little mystery in her relationship, ie. women should never let their men see them ‘putting on spanxs’ (or shaving their moustaches, tweezing their eyebrows or beards, or engaging in any act that relates to grooming, maintenance, and bodily functions the bathroom). I wonder if the latter is an old school of thought, while the other is the new norm for committed relationships. Before you jump to say that you have a history of being very open with your significant other, let’s run down Malaka’s list, shall we?

Let me also quote Malaka before I run through the list: “Let’s face it: there are things married folks do that people in casual relationships would never even permit, even as a passing thought.  The bonds of matrimony are (supposed to be) that strong.” Here we go…

“1.Kissing your spouse in the mouth first thing in the morning without brushing your teeth.

2.Taking a dump in the same room while your spouse brushes his/her teeth.

3.Picking your spouse’s pimples and blackheads. (I admit, I happily did this when any guy I was dating would allow me to. Nothing makes my day like hearing a pimple go *squish!*)

4.Shaving each other’s pubic hairs

5.Cleaning up your spouse’s poo if he/she was too sick to get to the toilet immediately.

6.Cleaning up your spouse’s puke if he/she got carsick after a long trip.

7.Calling from the checkout line to ask if the “absorbency on these sanitary towels are the right level”.

8.Asking if the other party has gum, and being responded to with a partially chewed piece from the other person’s mouth.

9.Lying in bed playing the “make a new sentence with the last word of my sentence” game. (This is actually really fun!)

10.Farting in the middle of a heated conversation and carrying on like it never happened while the other person stares in disbelief before eventually fleeing the scene of the stink.

11.Scratching your butt, waving your fingers in your husband’s face and asking him if it smells like chocolate and/or roses.

12.Fighting over who gets to hide from the children in the attic.”

Still singing the same song??? OH me, OH my. On one hand, it’s great(?) that people can be so comfortable around each other, but I do wonder how one can keep up the sex appeal when you’re squishing the pimple of your spouse? Or scratching your …. let me stop. lol. I’d be interested to hear her husband chime in on the discussion. Given that guys are so visual, I wonder how seeing your wife take a dump while you’re brushing your teeth affects your relationship… or maybe it doesn’t at all…???

Regarding the other article, I wouldn’t agree with the author’s grand-old neighbor, who believes it is a sin to let your man see you “in a face mask, rollers or housecoat.” However, I agree that my desire to see my ‘other half’s ablutions or maintenance tricks, or for him to see mine’ is very low. Also, let’s point out that labors of love, such as #5 and #6 on Malaka’s list, don’t fall in the same category as say, #8…

What do you think? Better for the two of you to be ‘one’ for all intents and purposes, or are there some things that are best kept to yourself — POLL BELOW!

Posted on April 14, 2012, in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 6 Comments.

  1. Hallellujah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Malaka is THE bizzness. Her writing is off the hookahizzle. Great to see her being promoted on hurr. I like Malaka’s article berra, it is more insightful, HUMOROUS (I hate articles that just talk and talk and talk urrrgh).

    Granted that I am her unofficial publicist, eh-you can understand the partiality. When I am married I plan on being EXTRA than I am right now. I will fart, sing, shit in front of my spouse. After all, he did sign up for berra or worse. However, I am more controlled when in a ringless relationship, I ain’t trying to scare a brother!!!

    -So proud of you mama!!!!!!!
    -Team #APMG (AFRICA PUBLISH MALAKA GRANT)!———–>put that on your twirra!

  2. I just think it’s funny how diametrically opposed my view is from the other author’s. I wonder if it has anything to do with her being English? Maybe Americans are more open.

    Whatever the case, thanks for this humorous trip down memory lane!

  3. Hi Malaka! Thanks for the comment. I agree, the other author is English and they tend to be more reserved.

    One of the co-founders and I were discussing your list yesterday, and he said things on the list were quite normal for even people dating- if they’re in love…Although if you look at the poll results, our blog readers would think otherwise. Maybe them and I need to re-evaluate the meaning of love…

  4. I think some of the things on the list are natural, if you can do these things infront of someone and it’s okay, thats the kind of person you wanna end up with, at some point you realize that those are the things that make you comfortable an love the other person more however, when it comes to some things, I have to say, men are VISUAL! and you want to be really careful…I don’t want to take the ‘sexy” out of things, I want my man to see me all made up and glowing without spilling my “dirty laundry”, I think it’s that element of him seeing you like the first time you guys met…keeping your standards and not becoming complaisant that the man will desire another woman who can give him something else….I know this is another can of worms but it does happen. Ladies, we’ve been accused of letting go and letting loose! keep it sexy and fresh.

  5. I personally agree. Similar to not telling your partner EVERYTHING, I don’t think everything you do has to be a shared activity… particularly the things I do in the bathroom. And depending on your type of relationship, this could include some or none of the things on the list.

  1. Pingback: Poll [Results] Wednesday – 5/9/2012 « love.african!

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