Author Archives: Rambling Roommates

Hedging: Play Now, Pay Later

photo (3)

“To protect (one’s investment or an investor) against loss by making balancing or compensating contracts or transactions.”

According to my Mac Spotlight dictionary.

A coward who’s scared to make a permanent decision on a woman.

According to Afua’s dictionary.

.

Let’s get into this a little, because it’s one of the most annoying things known to a Woman. So… you meet a guy, he’s chill… hence why y’all start Chilling. And then in some distant, not-so distant future you find out: he’s definitely wifed up. And NOT in the sense that he’s actually said the I-do’s, but that he is near-married, near-engaged, near-co-habitating… near-COMMITTED (however you want to package it). So then the questions start flying, “Why in God’s name was he hanging out with me, with no mention of his “wifey”? ” Ladies and gentlemen, I give you:

Hedging. 

The art of protecting your prized asset (your arse heart) from an investment you’re not 100% sure will produce the future returns you once calculated thought. The art of diversifying your portfolio to see whether higher returns can be made elsewhere… because any half brain could tell you that going all in on something you’re not 100% sure of is just plain stupid, right?. . . Have you heard of counting your chickens before they hatch? (Usually in reference to a woman eagerly awaiting a proposal, which may or may not ever come). Well hedging is in essence not counting anything… at all.

I’ve heard enough stories of hedging now to know it like better than the back of my hand:

  • boy meets girl (or girls), who he is attracted to. Girl(s) could be new, girl(s) could be old, it’s equal opportunity.
  • boy begins to implicitly or explicitly, or both-ly (?), make moves. ie. inappropriate behavior for someone in a “committed” relationship. This can vary in degree, from acting oblivious or nonchalant about his current relationship’s future… to making propositions such as, “hey, how come you’ve never thought about us being together; we’d make a good pair.” … to outright physical cheating. Note: in all this, boy can disclose or conceal his current relationship, this is also equal opportunity.
  • boy then comes to his senses. And… full stop.

A rather predictable fable, no?

So what makes hedging different from cheating? I’m glad you asked. The important distinction between hedging and mere cheating is that we’re not talking about people who have been dating some few months to maybe a year or two. We’re talking about people who are going on damn near 10yrs (lol naw, but more like anything over 2-3yrs). When generally it’s time to start making moves towards a forever-type situation. For hedging to take place, it must be preceded by movement towards a deeper level of commitment.

girls abr3

GIrls are tired of relationship wahala

Interestingly, (as noted in my neatly bulleted synopsis) what I’ve seen from men who engage in hedging is that they end up marrying wifey anyways. Therefore, it all becomes just a lot of wahala to make them feel more confident in the decision their actions have basically already made- – please ask yourself, what have the last 5years been about then? If that 20% of her that you’re not sure of really makes you want to step out, but that 80% kept you in for 6yrs… chale chale girls abr3 paa**. This thing is just a waste of everyone involved’s time.

I’m guessing another question on your mind is: what happens on wifey’s end? …Welt, let’s first make the assumption that wifey actually knows hedging is upon her (sadly, for some women this is a big assumption… And understandably – I’ve been with you for five years, why wouldn’t I be secure in what we have?). So assuming she actually knows, then perhaps she weathers the storm and banks on the fact that her asset can keep the investor committed, or at the very least fend off other attractive investments long enough for the investor to surrender to come to his senses. Or perhaps she does some hedging herself, to hedge against the hedging… <?> dear God, my head actually hurts thinking about this. Really, I just don’t get it. After a said amount of time, haven’t y’all made a decision? You’re telling me in year 3, year 4… year 8 maybe, y’all didn’t stop to think ‘wait, why are we doing this again?’ Whatever happened to road maps before a journey begins? Or a compass even? *sigh*

I think my frustration lies in the fact that I’ve seen a few too many hedging situations of late. Maybe it’s always been there, and now I’m just at the age where those around me are the one’s actually involved in it. I know life blogger-image--1298430667is complicated- obviously it’s not a small task to have to pick someone to spend the rest of your life with, however to me… I think we get too hung up on the picking part sometimes. When the foundational things are solidified and you’ve picked (judging by your actions of being with this person for 10yrs already), then it shouldn’t be much to take that leap to the next level, no? Perhaps if we were less worried about the picking part, about getting someone who ticks more boxes than the last, about hedging against the hedging, then we could work on the stuff that actually matters… you know, the real hard work that comes afterwards (which will happen regardless of who the woman is). That daily grind of sacrificing oneself for another individual, which will still take place whether it’s Jackie from school or Abena from the next cubicle. I mean at some point you just pick. No hedging, no temporary backing out, and for God’s sake no hedging against the hedging. You just make a decision, and stick with it. *shrug*

**Girls are tired (of relationship wahala)

Engaged.

photo (3)

aaa ya, not me. I know that’s what you were thinking, given my silence for the last few months. But no, the title refers to my friend’s ex.

You know that‘ ex, the one you always thought may would come back. That one that you can’t really put your finger on why ya’ll didn’t get your act together (simultaneously). The one that captured your heart and then went on to capture and permanently lock down another’s. Ya that one. He got engaged not too long ago and I had the privilege of producing the evidence.

. . .

“Afua, you up?”

{…I was, because somehow the wee hours of the morning are my friends}

“Si.”

“I just found out that XXXX is engaged. Can you stalk his Facebook page for me? I unfriended him.”

1342684918960_8511812

{…hmmm… It’s in moments like these that one must assess your level of love for your friend. On one hand, you’re her ride or die… doing anything she would have need of you to do; on the other hand, you’re. her. ride. or. die., which calls for making tough decisions about things that could possibly bring her more harm than good}.

“Hun, you sure about this? I mean there is a reason you unfriended him, right?”

“I know, I just want to see what folks are saying and what the ring looks like.”

{Now that just sounds like cruel and unusual punishment to me, but let’s be honest… i get it. I’ll most likely be in the exact same position within a year or so, and I know the fight of wanting to not want to know is a losing battle. Given the question of how I would want a friend to handle the situation for me, the answer was very simple…}

“Fine, here you go.”

What followed next was a flurry of screenshots of congratulatory messages; twin statuses professing love for ‘the only being in the world to fully understand me and love me like I deserve’, and him liking it so much that he “put a ring on it”…paired with a gazillion nods of approval. You know the drill.

“I hope it rains on their wedding day.”

My reaction on the other end, a childish smile marred by a cloud of silence… Some things just don’t need a response.

.

 

.

 

.

“You okay?”

“…ya, I think.”

“I mean I knew it was coming, but I’d be lying if I didn’t say I wasn’t just a slight bit hurt. I just thought…  “

. . .

She didn’t need to finish the thought, because I knew.

I think what’s worse than not being with an ex anymore, is seeing them (seemingly) happily moved on while you haven’t quite yet. When no amounts of “You’re amazingIt’s his lossYou’ll find anotherThere’s a reason for everythingHe wasn’t the one for you” can mask the pain of flat out rejection. He didn’t pick you. Even if it was a blessing in disguise (even if you don’t want him anymore). It. still. sucks. that. he. didn’t. pick. you.

If you can remember this post some time back, specifically the article All the Single Ladies. There’s a story the author retells about her ex, which used to send shock waves to my system:

“After the worst of our breakup, we eventually found our way to a friendship so deep and sustaining that several years ago, when he got engaged, his fiancée suggested that I help him buy his wedding suit. As he and I toured through Manhattan’s men’s-wear ateliers, we enjoyed explaining to the confused tailors and salesclerks that no, no, we weren’t getting married. Isn’t life funny that way?

Wedding shopping? Really? Hmm… so how can one get from praying for rain to that Things_Finger_Pointing_UP?

Perhaps I’ll discuss that in another blog at a later date… But for now, I’ll say this- I know my friend well, and I know she’ll be fine. There will be a time when the hurt is gone hurts less and the ‘what ifs’ subside. The key is getting to a place where you recognize that even being single trumps being with someone that you’re not supposed to be with. And if there are regrets, it’s about accepting things (because sometimes you’ll never really know if you chose the right path), and learning from the situation and moving forward… in any way you can (even if that means deleting him from social media).

- – -

Just in case you were wondering- Regarding my last post: I never called. He did, eventually. Just not in time for my interest to still be intact.

I’m not the most traditional girl, but… (First date protocol)

photo (3)

I went on a date recently. It was one of those good ones, you know where you have good superficial (enough) banter that is still character revealing. A drink or two in a relaxed atmosphere… chill times all around.

However, when I didn’t hear from the guy within a few days I casually logged it under the ‘that’s life’ pile. It was cool, there was no harm done; I had a good time and if he didn’t want anything else, it is what it is.

 

But what is it exactly? Because I thought things went a certain way…

 

I shared the experience with a close friend in passing:

Me (AE): “I mean I’m not the most experienced dater, but I think I know when I’m on a date and the both of us are having a mutually good time.”

Friend (FD): “Did you call him?”

AE: ” I’m not your most traditional girl in any sense of the word, but there are some things related to the first date that must be on the man, I think. Following up initially after the date is one of them, no?”

Couple enjoying dinnerF1: “Honestly, I don’t see what’s wrong with calling him. It doesn’t even have to be a call, could be a text message to him to remind him that he has something there… and that you’re interested.”

AE: “I did the follow up thanks text saying that I had a nice time. Isn’t that enough?”

F1: “No. I’m referring to a day or two after. There’s no rule anywhere that says he has to call first. And Afua, strong woman like you, you’re not empowered enough to call him, that’s odd. “

AE: “No, there isn’t a rule. But I think at the beginning of something, a man should set the tone. If I can’t even get a call after the first date, then that initial drive to be with me isn’t there. A guy doesn’t need reminding that I’m ‘there’ within a few days of a date.”

F1: “Well maybe he read your interest in him wrong. If you’re wondering why he hasn’t called, it means you wanted him to call, which means you’re interested. So call him and keep it light. You have nothing to lose.”

Hmmm… food. for. thought.

So RR should I have called? Are my arbitrary rules stopping me from being great?

Guest Post from a Male Reader: My Introduction to the Returnee Woman (and some words of advice) – Pt. 1

FaviconBig-300x300Let me start by expressing my previous profound ignorance about the whole returnee demographic. Maybe I need to get out more, but to be honest, I hadn’t really given much thought to the ‘plight’ of the Ghanaian who was in cultural limbo. I only vaguely thought about returnees once, when I read an interview featuring  Nana Ekua Brew-Hammond.  She is the author of the Simon and Schuster published “The Powder Necklace”, a novel loosely based on the time her parents uprooted her from her New York existence straight into the unforgiving boarding school system of Ghana. Even with that, she left Ghana soon after that. Little did I know there was an entire thriving community of returnees in Ghana (vibrant and distinctive enough to be considered as their own ethnic group, if YesiYesi is to be taken seriously).

That all changed when I stumbled across Love African, scratch that, Rambling Roommates. Stumbled is not the accurate term here, because the blog was introduced to me by Amma via email. She found me through my blog Life in Kumasi.  Yeah, so I guess it’s beginning to make sense to you how I was so clueless about returnees, being a Siano** and all. Here’s the thing – I do know a few people who lived a while in the US or UK or U-name-it. Case in point, my three best friends all spent the better parts of their childhood in England, Canada and Germany respectively. But I don’t think they quite earn the returnee tag because they came back before they, you know, went over to the dark side (just kidding, indulge me). Then there’s my cousin, who was in Accra for like a week. I guess she would qualify as a returnee, if she had stayed. Then there’s my other cousin who came back from the US after about 10 years. Still, not quite a returnee in my estimation because he was already a teenager when he and the family moved over to the Land of the Brave. Or maybe he is, I don’t know. I’m no expert on this returnee thing. I hadn’t even heard the term before I read Rambling Roommates. And yes, even though I’m a verified Siano, that is surprising, because I happen to know many, many words.

19229

In a strange concatenation of events, I found out about An African City, courtesy Leila Djansi, soon after finding out about returnees. Does that ever happen to you? You spend your entire life not knowing about something, then in a space of like a week, you discover it from 3 or 4 different places independently? This swell storm of events led me to ask: Is there really a dating problem for returnee women? From watching the show and reading Rambling Roommates, it seems to me that at least some of these perceived problems are easily solved. In An African City, the women give the impression they’re looking for love, but we see them to be mostly more interested in sex. Everyone knows when you’re pursuing sex, you tend more toward variety but when you’re pursuing love, you move closer to exclusivity. So if you’re changing guys every so often, but in the meantime you say you’re waiting for the one, then I don’t really get that.

And then there’s Ngozi. In the show, she abstains from sex, and she seems to be really trying to find someone to settle down with. But if anything, she’s more unsuccessful than the others. In the first episode, she said she dated a man for a month, and the whole time the man never mentioned he was married. I think one solution for Ngozi-related dating problems is getting help from the local talent. Obviously I’ve heard of non-returnee Ghanaian women who have dated married men, but it’s not so often I hear about them dating a married man without knowing his marital status (though, of course, it does happen). There are signs that would be obvious to the indigenous Ghanaian woman that a returnee woman might be oblivious to. Having female friends who know the Ghanaian system is an indispensable resource for a returnee lady. But women, who are infamous for being catty with each other (no chauvinism intended), sometimes find it hard to get along. And it appears to me the returnee woman is no different. However, if there really is such a dating problem, I don’t see a better solution than having a close friend who has been on the ground here all the time you have been away. Ngozi could sure use one.

1461855_263166813837840_380498752_nTo conclude, I hope to meet and interact more with returnees from here on out. I’ll probably have to make sure I get a Harvard degree in the meantime, though, so I’ll fit in better. All I’ve got is a KNUST*** education. Was that a low blow? Nah, I don’t think so.

**Siano means Kumasi (or someone who comes from Kumasi)

***KNUST: Kwame Nkrumah University of Science and Technology (located in Kumasi)

Repost: Family demands 100 gallons of petrol as bride price for daughter

If you are not already following YesiYesi Ghana, you are truly missing out on some great comedic gems. Given the general gray state of the nation, it’s always great to have a laugh once in a while. This is not the first time that YesiYesi has been featured on our blog. They wrote a really fun parody called “Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Ghanaman” which followed Afua’s post about some of her God Awful weirdo strange run-ins with Ghanaian guys. Here is another parody post inspired by a recent post about the impact of Ghana’s economy on our love lives. As the post and this parody rightly portray, girls AND boys abr3 and no one can afford love anymore.

Enjoy!


“In the Ghanaian tradition as with many other African, Asian and some eastern European traditions, a groom is required to pay a bride price to the family of his bride as a show of his commitment and ability to financially support his prospective wife. Centuries ago, the bride price was quoted in gold, land, cows, tubers of yam and pots of palm wine. In recent times the price has been demanded in money, cloths and bottles of gin and schnapps. Evidently, bride prices are demanded in items that are of high value in the prevailing economic circumstance.

One family is reportedly asking a 27 year old Ghanaian man to cough up 100 gallons of petrol if he is to be given the green light to marry their daughter. Kofi Ghanaba, a university graduate working for a bank in the Ghanaian capital, Accra, has confirmed the family of his girlfriend is demanding 100 gallons of petrol as bride price. “I have been with her for a while now, we are very much in love so we wanted to do the right thing and get married. Tradition requires that I pay a dowry to her family. When I received the list from her father, I was expecting the usual items; ring, cloths, money and bottles of gin and schnapps. To my surprise, there was only one item on the list. Just one! I smiled to myself. But before long, my smile had turned into wailing. 100 gallons of petrol is what they wanted and it wasn’t just any type of petrol, they demanded Shell V-Power,” revealed the dejected man.

A spokesman for the girlfriend’s family explained that the demand for 100 gallons of fuel is not just a sign of the ever increasing value of fuel due to the recurring shortages, but also a test to determine if Kofi can adequately take care of their daughter. “If he loves our daughter he wouldn’t mind queuing for days to buy the gallons of fuel we require.” The spokesman argued that their request is no different from what happened centuries ago when young men had to spend years growing crops and raising animals to be able to pay the bride price for the girl of their dreams.

With fuel prices up by 53% since the beginning of the year, Kofi’s shrewdness will be put to test, according to the family spokesman. “With the frequent increases in fuel prices, will he decide to buy now or wait and see if prices drop? His decision will give us an insight into how well he will manage his home in the future.” The demand for 100 gallons will also test Kofi’s physical strength. “It will require great physical strength to carry 100 gallons, and we will be looking to see how Kofi fares on that.”

With the worsening economic situation, Kofi Ghanaba is not just feeling the pinch in his pocket but also in his heart as he battles to marry the girl of his dreams.”

Know Your Status

We came across this HILARIOUS video that is warning women to understand their lane in relationships so that they can… well… stay in it. We could write a long diatribe on just how horrible it all is really that there aren’t more openly communicative people on the earth… But we’ll save that for another day, it’s friday.

Instead, here’s a video for your comedic pleasure:

So ladies, know your status… And no we don’t mean sexual health (though this is obviously of great importance)… We mean the status of your relationship. Because nothing sucks more than having girlfriend expectations when you are really just a side chick… Friend with benefits… Or, the unfortunate, smash and dash.

#teamtheonlydashyouwilldoiswithsalt

#teamloveonlymeorleaveallofme

#couldneverbethestalkergirlinthecommercialthough

#knowyourstatusoryouwillgetburned #dazall #wharrrelse

#heinoushashtagging

Happy (Red) Friday!

She No Want Ferrari: Impact of Forex on Love and Dating

occupyBefore I begin this post, and especially because it deals with the economy, I want to give a major shout out to the #OccupyFlagstaffHouse team that worked in collaboration with Concerned Ghanaians for Responsible Governance and other citizen groups. Whether you were there in presence or in spirit, the fact that so many people were talking about it shows that there is definitely appetite for this sort of activism. The entire protest was organized in under 5 days, and there was a lot of (healthy) back and forth about demands, expectations and next steps. If you visit the facebook page, you will find a full copy of the petition but I also pretty much summed up the demands in 5 simple points on my own development and policy blog (ahem.shameless.plug.ahem). In any case, we are awaiting a response but in the interim, do make sure to sign the petition, agitate MP’s however you can (I’d say use twitter and direct it to Hanna Tetteh), and keep abreast of what’s happening (Constitution is under review, and there is plenty wahala around it, did you know? chale… ) so that the next march (should it come to that) will be even greater. The onus is not on those ‘protester types’, the onus is on us ALL! (you see what I did there… I should be a rapper, ha!)

At any rate, on to the post…


photo (1)

Cause e want e my love o She no want designer She no want ferrari She say na my love o You belong to me And i belong to her o

Prolific words sung by Davido… Unfortunately… these words have not been said in Ghana since… well… the cedi rate was 1 to 1! I was having a very interesting conversation with my taxi driver the other day. He was telling me how difficult the economic situation was for him. I really felt bad. The truth is, when trotro’s raise fares, they do so in unison and there is standardization more or less so everyone must oblige. But with (car) dropping, people will sort of haggle at the same old price, as if the cedi isn’t deep diving into oblivion… and if the taxi driver won’t take them, they just wait for someone who will.

Sucks.

But then he went on this diatribe about how he has had to adjust his lifestyle… most specifically, his ability to date. I found this fascinating. According to him, because he is not able to give a girl chop money, and pay for her to get her hair done, or to buy transport or even credit, he feels unfit to enter a monogamous relationship. He was explaining to me how painful it is to ‘invest’ so much in a woman, only for her to tell you she doesn’t want to marry you but would rather be with someone else. I said, ‘oh ho… but what about the investment of love… I mean it was at least worth it then, no?” He looked at me… laughed… and then said, “Well.. I would have been better off buying land”

Ouch.

Land over love, eh? But I get his point. One point the driver kept making that really resonated with me was about how dating/courtship looks so much like marriage these days… that there is almost no point in getting married at all. He was saying, ‘If my money is your money and our bodies are at each others disposal.. then what are we really rushing to the altar for?’ He even talked about how he recently took a vow of celibacy and was mocked by his ex-girlfriend for being less than a man for wanting to wait…

wonders.

never.

cease.

So how is the forex rate impacting dating and love? For one, its quantifying it. Instead of looking at a mutually beneficial relationship that is about building a life and leaving a legacy… it sounds, more or less, like a contractual relationship based on barter and quid pro quo. Tres unfortunate for a romanticist like myself. I want rainbow and unicorns and flowers and all the warm fuzzies that love is supposed to bring. But the economy is intimidating folks out of pursuing relationships, and it’s jading men who automatically assume that I am impressed by a Porsche Cayenne.

Ladies be like "umm... can you pay my bills, can you pay my automobiles"

Ladies be like “umm… can you pay my bills, can you pay my automobiles”

Look. I no want Ferrari (yet.) I no want designer (right now.)… whatever happened to building something together? And the thing is… if you read many of our posts, you will see that there is a lot of joking and banter about this ‘ideal, made man’. But last weeks post talks about how that can sometimes actually be the compromise for us. And in all honesty, Afua and I aren’t that deluded. All of the wives that we admire, including our mothers, made grave sacrifices for their relationships. In seeing those examples, we definitely know that there is no progress without struggle. We are so here for that… We are down like the economy. Yet, even in this knowledge, we can’t entirely be annoyed at the women jading these men and making them feel like if they are not willing to pay for all your bills, he’s not worthwhile. No really. It’s not their fault.

readytogooutIn a conversation I had recently with a close friend, she was telling me about the difficulty she was having in just saving money. That lately she wasn’t able to go out much, hang out with friends… you know… enjoy her days as a single, beautiful, independent (but not in that annoying, too known, in your face way) woman. It’s unfortunate too… because Ghanaian men are missing out on this great opportunity to interact with her because she has to think twice about using the fuel in her car and about whether she wants to get her hair done, eyebrows done, buy makeup and pay for that mani- pedi to be in top stellar position for such an outing. If a woman has to decide between being social and being broke, well that’s really problematic, don’t you think? And yes, for all you party poopers, we recognize there are deeper issues than being able to afford Marc Jacobs perfume so you can be wined and dined, but focus… this is a representational issue… the point is… we can’t actually afford love anymore. And that’s sad.

All in all, the declining cedi isn’t just a matter of the economy, in this super macro, higher level sense… it’s also a matter of the heart. It has implications on the way we interact and socialize. We are already restructuring our relationships, quantifying their value, weighing them against… say… investing in land. That’s a problem. If the economic sitch doesn’t switch up… no one will get married. ever. Ok… maybe that’s a bit dramatic but you get the point… So here’s some advice for the next protest… if, perhaps, rising fuel costs, erratic electricity, inconsistent supply of water and devaluing currency aren’t enough for you to take the streets. If disappearing money, lying politicians and financial scandal don’t compel you to stand up for your rights… Well be like R. Kelly and… do it for love!

 

banksylove

 

Guest Post: Opportunity Cost in Everything: You’re My Compromise.

Today we have a guest post from someone who has read this blog, been featured many times and identifies closely with our experiences here in Ghana. Some of you may have seen this post last week because I got trigger happy and sent it accidentally published the article. Some of you even made comments. So here we are publishing it again, but this time in the appropriate RR fashion complete with pictures and a fabulous introduction to the insight you will receive from this writing. I am especially intrigued by the way she has clearly flipped all of my dreams upside down by insisting that my ideas of a ‘perfect mate’ are actually the worst of them all. She essentially asks, who would we choose if our choosing were only about making us happy on the inside, and not, say… bringing two families together and providing a financially stable future. I guess all we can ever do is wonder. I hope you enjoy the post, and as always, please leave your comments below so that everyone can see and join the conversation!


 

Guest Post from our Mystery Woman

Guest Post from our Mystery Woman

We all know the old adage borrowed from economics: “There is no such thing as a free lunch.” Every decision we make has an opportunity cost, meaning there is value on the decision that was forgone. To put it in simpler terms, assuming the best choice has been made, there is a “cost” incurred by not enjoying the benefit that would be had by taking the second best choice available.  So what if I said that actually, the tall, dark, handsome, six figure guy with the high-powered job and jet set life, was actually not at all the ideal? What if marrying him actually comes at a cost?

Let’s backtrack.

Allow me to introduce myself, I am a close friend of both Afua and Amma, and I have been featured in a number of their stories on this blog (but, wait did I just out my self? *shrugs * ). Although I was born in Ghana, my life history identifies me as a * returnee,* one of those know it all Ghanaians with UK and US degrees who just cant seem to shut up. Fortunately, and unfortunately that’s me – with an Ivy League degree to make matters worse. I am sure it comes as no surprise to anyone, that relationships, love, and marriage are topics that I discuss amongst friends almost daily, after all two of my closest friends do run this blog.  These conversations are always interesting, and usually end up with me “quitting” and declaring a desire to move to the moon, since this planet country cannot seem to accommodate me or my preferences for a mate. But I usually return to my senses following the melodrama, and something profound (I’d like to think) manages to find its way out of my mouth.

When-someone-asksSince my return to Ghana I too have had to answer the questions as to why I am not dating.  I usually lash out  reply with some commentary about how single is a “choice” and blah blah, and I too have been asked if perhaps my standards are too high? The latter of these two questions perplexes me for several reasons:

          1. Because you don’t know me or anything about me, except that I am educated and lived abroad most of my life and so decide to assign to me  thoughts based on some appraisal  you made up on your own , oh because “girls like me” are well…all the same: demanding , not submissive or “too know”  and just talkative.
          2. Because your definition of “high” MUST be my definition  as well

Basically, I am a bit sick of the stereotype of being uncompromising and difficult to please just because of certain requirements

The movie titanic is proof that when death is eminent, rich, too known nice guys lose in the end lol!

The movie titanic is proof that when death is eminent, rich, too known nice guys lose in the end lol!

people typically assume I place on men.  I actually believe in many criteria for choosing a mate, I also believe that it depends on the person. But I digress; let’s get back to this “high” standard issue. It seems the Ivy educated, fortune 500 company job having, 3 piece suit wearing type of brother is assumed to be the only standard we speak of when the topic of finding a mate comes up. What if we reconsidered and actually considered this type of brother as not THE standard, but as a compromise. Believe it or not, there are more important things than education, money and influence (gasp), and what if the opportunity cost of having a boardroom brother is you and your children’s happiness. Now don’t get me wrong, I am in no way intimating that every Ivy league board room brother is so into his work that he neglects his family. I am simply suggesting that perhaps boardroom brother, if you are reading this, you might actually be the compromise and not THE STANDARD.

Sometime ago, a friend of mine told me a hilarious sad story about a guy whose wife had left him quite heartlessly. It turns out she never let go of her ex, but she married her husband because quite frankly he was balling. I am not promoting infidelity, but what if she hadn’t compromised to marry a man whom she felt was equally matched in credentials? Because from what I hear, she wept liheartlesske a baby at her wedding, and those weren’t tears of joy ya’ll. She wept because she was denying herself of the benefits of the next best choice. To say the least, she compromised…. She compromised BIG time.

As much as what I am about to say will make me cringe, it must be said: my type may also not be the ultimate.  Sorry Ivy women, but when brothers who we deem as better matched with us go off and marry a “basic” chick perhaps he is not compromising even though that’s what we believe. Maybe, having a great job, and a great education is not the ultimate. Like you haven’t arrived just because your name is followed by numerous consonants.  This idea that a couple can only be designated the title of “power” couple if both of them have crazy “qualifications” to boot is quite artificial not to mention cursory . “Our type” likes to believe that we are at the top of the dating food chain, or at least should be. But if that’s the case why are we still single? (not that I am complaining because the single life is the #bomb #lovingit #gimmecoupleyears). And honestly, I blame my parents for putting that inflated view of myself into my head (actually I blame the whole system for making me feel entitled and myself for believing it of course).

Look, I am no gold digger but... le sigh.

Look, I am no gold digger but… le sigh.

Deep down inside, I want to be with a free spirited Vegan artist who would happily debate the Western aid agenda’s influence on the African woman’s idea of reproductive health, who does not conform to the ideals of modern society. But since I have a certain lifestyle and certain expensive habits, I am willing to forego a little freedom and possibly a version happiness to travel and live comfortably.  I can already hear the comments on being a “gold- digger” and the rest coming my way. But honestly, it is not about digging for gold, it is about security. It is about being comforted to know that finances or the drive that produces healthy finances is not a worry. Everybody thinks it, and I say it. At the end of the day, it is about opportunity cost, you weigh the options, and decide which consequences (good and bad) you are willing to forego and/ or are willing to accept (and that decision is entirely up to you). So however you turn it, “high standards” and all that other stuff we go on and on about is really a compromise we make according to what we deem important. For the fortune 500 brother out there, who may think he’s God’s gift to womanhood owing to his credentials and job, chew on this a bit, because even though society likes to make you feel like you are what every man should aspire to be and every woman should aspire to be with, you may very well be somebody’s compromise.

Signing off…

Everything I Asked For, Nothing I Wanted

photo (1)So…

I have been out on a couple of dates of late.

And I mean actual dates, as in food and conversation… Not whatever contrived version of dating people have in their minds.

And you know what?

 

Dating is very much like online shopping.

In fact, it is exactly like online shopping.

Imagine this:

You have been in desperate need of the perfect-est LBD (Little Black Dress for the less privy). You have been scouring the internets trying to find something that can be upgraded with a great statement piece but is generally versatile and fits your body like a glove. You are going to show off, obviously, and this dress needs to make every man, woman and boy jealous of your everything. I mean, there is a general return policy if it doesn’t work out, but you want something that will be more or less a life time commitment. Something classic, and you are really willing to splurge to make sure you get exactly what you want.

How I feel when I find the perfect dress!

How I feel when I find the perfect dress!

Then—- BOOM!

You find the most adorable knee length, backless number that looks like it will be the best purchase of your life. You read all the reviews (because you are a pro at online shopping and you know never to just judge a dress by its picture). For the most part, everyone agrees the dress is cut small so you have to buy one size above what you would normally buy. Otherwise, most past users love the dress and have even recommended great ways to jazz it up with jewelry and shoes.

You. Are. Elated.

After searching for what feels like centuries, you have finally found the perfect dress.

And then it arrives, and you realize…

This is everything I asked for and NOTHING I wanted.

online-shopping_o_769815

Now back to reality. I am sure you are already seeing all of the ways in which this analogy fits perfectly well into the discussion on dating. You spend what feels like forever, looking everywhere (or rather placing yourself in the right settings to be… looked for, lol!)… you have followed all the advice that has been given. And when you finally meet the guy who loves Jesus, is about 6 foot 4 in., has at least 2 degrees, makes at least double what you have earned in your lifetime, is kind and funny— even gets a hip hop reference from time to time … and happens to be a mean chef, you realize, this actually doesn’t fit. This is everything I put on my well-crafted list and yet… I am so bored. I mean… is it me?

So here are the three ways in which dating can be a bit like online shopping— gone wrong.

1. Fit

The number one reason for returning clothing purchased online is fit (I think… I made up this statistic, but I said it with authority,

True. Say. Had to learn the hard way.

True. Say. Had to learn the hard way.

so you probably believed it. bruhahahaa). Same with dating. I met this guy, he was all the things that I thought were important in building a strong relationship. Educated. Financially Stable-ish (I mean we are twenty somethings… how stable is stable reallly at this age, unless I am going for children of oil money— which I am wildly unopposed to… but I digress). Interested in Jesus (I mean, not exactly on the deacon board but willing to come to all four of my weekly church services— that’s basically love, right?). Worldly (in the… I have travelled and read books and listen to the news sort of way— not, like… secular, hedonist psycho sort of way, lol!). Understood my hashtagging and hip hop references.  Down to earth.

I was attracted to him and we could laugh, though not the kind of best friend- belly laughter… but fun nonetheless. And yet.

He didn’t fit.

All the ways in which I thought this could probably be a great relationship were suddenly turned upside down. I mean, he was really nice and polite. And yet I fear… I was bored. Hmpf.

So here I was, having spent my time and now I was going to have to return the dress— I mean, dead the situation. I think it was mutually agreeable (shut up Afua.) No feelings were hurt (shuttup Afua.) But like… how sad is that? Plus now I am thinking, maybe I don’t actually know what I want at all… which is horrifying really, don’t you think?

2. Misrepresentation

The thing is, when the dresses are on the websites and on these mannequins and the form and body is just right… and everything falls so perfectly, it makes you feel like you will look exactly the same way. And I mean, you think, ‘I am going to lose like 5 pounds next week anyway, so then all of my back fat will vanish and this backless number will look like something out of a Vogue magazine.’ I’ll baaasically look like Lupita, but lighter… and longer hair… and wider… but yeah, basically exactly the same.

Then you try it on and whatIthoughtyou are like, how could they have misrepresented the dress that way?! Why don’t they ever have ‘real’ models who are ‘real’ sizes like the rest of us on planet Earth?!

Maybe I am a little bitter. whatever.

But yeah, with dating… time reveals all manner of things. And you realize that what was glittering about a person is actually just the glass on his watch and not his actual personality. Social media does that though… people seem so much smarter and wiser and knowledgeable on their facebook profiles. It’s crazy how reality can sort of shatter everything about a person. Nothing like spending 45 minutes over a meal with someone and realizing you have spent the entire time thinking about what you will wear to work the next day (you know you gotta turn up for traditional friday’s!…)

Plus… maybe what looked right on another girl’s arm or in a Hollywood romance, isn’t actually what’s right for you. I guess you don’t know until you know… but Sanaa Lathan seemed to have it all in Love and Basketball… that’s all anyone really wants ever right? Hmpf…

3. Lowered Expectations

So now… all you want to do is run to your closet… with your old dresses and just find something you know is tried and true and

Start to hate all the advice about going back.. suddenly the ex seems like McDreamy!

Start to hate all the advice about going back.. suddenly the ex seems like McDreamy!

may have a few kinks but is generally gonna work out for the purpose for which you intended. And here… we are talking about exes.

Nothing like meeting someone new and playing the compare and contrast game. “Okay, he does this better than Elikem… but omg, Elikem definitely got this right”. But there’s an Akan proverb that says (essentially), “There’s no need to go deeper into water once you realize it’s coming up to eye level. You should just go back and stand where you are comfortable and where you have been already.”— ok, that was a lot of imagery, but … it’s true though… the devil you know is better than the angel that doesn’t fit.

I know I am not alone in this realization. There is nothing worse than wanting something really badly, and then getting it and being disappointed. I used to joke that, if I knew I liked strawberry ice cream and it tasted like heaven, there was really no point in sampling all the other flavors like strawberry choco champagne with macademia nuts and sprinkles— who needs all that in their icecream anyway? Monsters! I have always been of the mind that ‘dating’ isn’t about meeting people so you can figure out what you want, but rather making really good friends and deciding whether any one of them are particularly useful for the type of long term affair that marriage requires. But then… this experience, and the comparison to online shopping, makes it quite apparent that if you are not out there experimenting… you may actually jump into something that makes you look fat and lopsided with a second belly button…

Tell me, have any of you found in your experiences that you’ve finally met someone who seems to check all the proverbial boxes, but somehow doesn’t excite you in anyway? Did you have a quarter life, medium term crisis and wonder whether you had spent your whole life chasing the wrong things  moment of reflection? Do tell! (and by do tell, don’t like whatsapp us or send us messages but share in the comments so everyone can see ya’ll.. #sharingiscaring)

Change is a Comin': Our 1yr Anniversary!

Dear RR Family,

 

ITS OUR BLOGIVERSARY!!

Image

Last week we celebrated one full year of funny, open and honest posts on love and relationships.

This has been a really exciting journey. There were some strange moments… like when guys would ask whether they would be featured in a post (while on a date) and then there were the hilarious ones, like when y’all got super engrossed in a post and went HAM on the facebook comments. Even though I don’t get super excited about anniversaries and things of the like (in spite of my love for love), Afua was adamant about a celebration— and I am glad she insisted. Nothing like a whole 365 days passing to really make you reflect on the ups and downs. Especially those moments writing posts and wondering… wait, am I saying too much? I wonder who is going to be offended or scared off by this? I wonder who is going to insult us for this? Or dismiss us…

I wonder if my ex soul mate is reading this… and shaking his head.

<<shrugs>>

To commemorate this occasion, we are presenting the five most read posts of the year…

In the blogosphere… you vote with your mouse, and clicks tell everything… what are those lyrics again? “women lie, men lie, numbers don’t lie” (except in economics or statistics or general research when they are being manufactured to fit a specific narrative… or you know, Wall Street.— sorry nerd moment)

Buuuuuut before we get to that, we have a very special announcement!

The time has come where we shed our old skins and put on something… more… profesh!

We are working on a number of new things for the site and the first thing we have done is…

CHANGE THE URL!

For all of you who’ve been a bit confused about the Love.African! vs. Rambling Roommates title and web address… fear no more.

All of the posts can be found at www.ramblingroommates.com

Woot!

Woot Woot!

<<doooooing a happy dance across your screen and moonwalking right back across, while afua stares in utter confusion>>

Ok, now on to the FIVE MOST READ POSTS (in descending order)

unnamed5. The Ultimate Dating Advice in Accra: Seek Ye First…

This hilarious post written by Afua, talks a little bit about how to avoid meeting guys who have already shown their general uselessness in the dating scene. I remember so many side conversations coming out of this post because people were either a) really entertained or b) really worried for Afua’s dating life. In the post, we got to meet some caricatures in the form of Kofi, Kwame and Kwesi who were guys who had been around the scene… and by around… I mean, around. This is why one must seek first abi… tis better to get wise counsel than to embark on an ignorant journey (I think this is in the Bible… or something 0.O). I also remember this post helped to explain some of the differences between ‘Western’ dating and ‘Ghanaian’ dating, which was pretty clutch given the fact that this is a dating blog and yet dating in Ghana means sleeping with… strange. In my response, I was able to talk about one male readers response to Afua’s experience. Eye opening… (y’all should check it out if you haven’t).

 

image (2)4. Go Check Your Wife, Now!

Everyone has received that death threatening text message at the crack of dawn from your ex’s current beau who has somehow realized that their lover… had a past… that actually included… other women… Right?

Oh…?

No?

Maybe not…?

Well… some of us have. More specifically, this post is a scathing  response to receiving that said text message. Nothing gets under my skin like misappropriated emotion and unjust– nay, undue hardship and drama. There was a little controversy over this post because of the reference to the girl as ‘basic’. Whole entire conversations were had across the internet space about whether or not it was fair for us to characterize her as such, and whether we were being classist— people… people…PEOPLE! We are missing the whole ENTIRE point of this: Don’t. Threaten. My. Life.

But then there was the other point.. of why afua’s ex felt it necessary to maintain any type of relationship with her when he had clearly moved on and married. Definitely check out the post and read my response where I question whether or not Afua was in the wrong for responding to and maintaining any sort of communication at all with her ex when they both had clearly moved on.

brunch3. Ten Places for A Date

This post was TOO much fun to write. Especially because it’s always great reliving eating experiences. We have it in our plans to do another one… for food… or maybe get-aways… there is just SO much exploring to do in Accra– and Ghana (although this Cedi depreciation won’t let me be great, smh!). Maybe we will do a list on great places to go with your ever devaluing cedis… nothing like a little recession to re-engineer eating priorities… Kenkey and fish, anyone?

At any rate, there were a good variety of choices from sushi to Spanish to traditional food. A number of people noted the list wasn’t exhaustive… and that’s what happens when you limit yourself to only 10, shesshh. But shiver not… keep your eyes on this space, for more shall flow from henceforth.

278632. Plight of the Returnee Woman

Hmmmmm…

This one was a very heart wrenching piece because, for one, it was released following the death of Komla Dumor… who we had been recently engaging with on the twitters. Someone we believed might provide some really great commentary to add to our blog. Unfortunately, his only feature was in a tribute but we are so happy to be spawns of his legacy. To be part of the crop of content coming out of Africa that shows the dynamic and multifaceted nature of the continent and the many countries, ethnicities and experiences therein. In carrying on the spirit, Afua wrote an excellent piece about her anxieties celebrating her almost-in-my-thirties (but not really *side-eye*) birthday.

Let me just say… homegirl was feeling some type of waaaaay. Some might say bitter… others might say she was keeping it real. For it to have been the second most read post of the year, clearly it resonated with a number of people in various ways. When I read it… it rung of entitlement, which I had to address in my response.

In either case, I know we have all felt that way. Where we go on facebook and people are loving up on someone or you go to an instagram that’s actually a shared account by a couple (yes… I have seen this -_-) and you think… as much of a hater as I am being right now, I so want this… why don’t I have this!? WHY! WHYYYYYYYY!??!?!

Ahem.

Yes.

So yeah… it was a ‘keeping it real moment’ that I think we all have felt at one point or another… still waiting to post my own nauseating pictures though… God? You hear that? Hmmk…

And last, but certainLLLLYY not LEAST…

1. He Was Never Gonna Wife You, Afua: Six Ways to Know Before You Know

308551_245290692199249_127001387361514_718090_1318263351_n_large

 

We’re going to take a mental pause for this post.

 

(pause).

 

Ok, and we’re back. Woooo, afua this post though. Talk about baring your soul, girl. And y’all must have felt the exact same way I did, because not only was this post the highest viewed since the beginning of RR, it was the highest single day viewed post in the history of this blog (that includes way back when it was love.african!). Sound the applause!

I think for me, one thing I have learned over the last year… in my journey with myself and my God, is to trust my intuition. Whether you acknowledge what it is or the source of it, one thing is true… you are rarely wrong about those inclinations. If something doesn’t feel right… nine times out of ten, there’s probably something wrong. And even if whatever it is isn’t deal breaker wrong, its definitely worth not ignoring… and of equal importance, if you believe your friends to be observant, useful individuals and they have told you a bajillion times that this guy is useless then you should probably listen the bajillion and oneth time  take heed from trusted friends.

In my own similar situation, I was always of the mind that they didn’t see the person that I saw

Or they didn’t understand the relationship we had...

Or they weren’t there for the day-to-day, in-and-out, minute-by-minute moments and that’s why they were trippin’.

Do you see how I sounded like a woman in a battered relationship though? I mean… if the guy does not have ONE cheerleader in your camp, I mean… well… come on! My favorite lesson for this one is about the fight. If a guy wants you… he’ll fight for you, no two ways about it. And even if for a minute there may be some doubts, inevitably there comes a time where people have to make a balls to the wall decision about going H.A.M for you or going home… and if he’s not going HAM— then you need to go home.

Thanks Afua.

Words to live by, lol!

- – -

images

So readers… we want to give you all a big big THANK YOU! for reading, following, subscribing, posting on social media, commenting and just generally being supportive of the journey. While our writing is largely about telling our story, we are so happy that many of you see yourselves in the events that unfold, and we are grateful for your continued support.

Please do follow us on the twitters… and subscribe to the blog (hint: the button’s on the side at the top)…

Tell us which of the posts was your favorite and why? We want to hear from you….! And because we want all readers to get kicks from your comments, please comment ON the blog and not our facebook walls, if possible (don’t be shy now!). LURV Y’all!

20140604-161043-58243605.jpg

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 153 other followers