**We interrupt your regularly scheduled programming in honor of Valentine’s Day. Amma will post a response to Afua’s Ultimate Dating Advice next week, but in the meantime we’re doing a special Love Languages post for all the lovebirds!**
. . .
“Cedrick, what are you getting your girlfriend for Vals day?”
“Hmm… Amma… I don’t even know. She is not the kind who likes flowers and so on… what do you think?”
“Oh… I don’t know. I never really celebrate Valentine’s Day. I don’t see how it would be really different from any other day. Are we going to have a different conversation from the ones we normally have at dinner? Am I going to love you more for buying me chocolates and flowers (though I do love flowers… mother was a florist, what can I say).
Are you going to use this as a day to present me with tickets to go waste my life away at a fancy resort in Jamaica?! I mean… I don’t get it.”
“Eish…. Amma Noo Noo… haha! It’s just something nice to do… and since she is back in town I want to make it special, but I don’t know what she would like.”
“Well, what’s her love language?”
Can you imagine being in a relationship with someone and neither of you speak the same language? Talk about communication problems. If you are not aware, according to Dr. Gary Chapman, there are five love languages that we all speak. These five languages are how we like for love to be expressed to us. The languages are:
- Physical Touch- as in, *cue Mariah Carey’s ‘Touch My Body‘*
- Gifts- as in, ‘I love you so much, I bought you this new Kia Sorrento babe’
- Words of Affirmation- as in, Kendrick Lamar rapping ‘She Needs Me‘ to me (as I imagine he shall in the near future): “She go to work, she go to school, her body smooth, no tattoos
Type of girl that’ll make your mother feel comfortable
My pops love her too, she’s compatible, she’s independent
She handle her business, she believe in God and no other religions
She’s never in competition, when it comes to her friends, she’s dependable
She set her own trends, a confidant, a mediator, so sweet, every flavor
Just a conversation with her doing you a favor, look at her hips, I want to be her pager
Conservative, affirmative, actually she relaxing in sweats and bobby pins
The beauty of her, a blind man can see, a true queen and she needs me”
- Acts of Service- as in, ‘Whoa Amma, I see that you are out here working so hard… you should take a day off while I cook, clean and give you a full body massage— just cuz’
- Quality Time- as in, ‘Yeah I know that this Tottenham game is the difference between champions league and… well… not-champions-league, but it’s cool. I will miss the game AND post game commentary so we can take a walk along the beach
while I listen to you go on about nothing really.‘
So after I convinced my colleague Cedrick to take the love languages quiz, I decided… it’s been a while, let me see what my love languages are. I think the great thing about little tid bits like this is that you get the right vocabulary to talk about your emotions. You also understand how, if for example your main languages are gifts and services but your partner is always just affirming you with little notes and showing you PDA, things can get a bit frustrating. So this Vals day, Afua and I thought it appropriate to highlight the love languages.
I was not surprised at all when I took the quiz and discovered my love languages… Here are mine:
So my number one is Acts of Service and my number two is Quality Time… and at the very VERY bottom is Physical Touch (which makes ALL the sense in the world since I believe(d) that kissing guys would ultimately lead to my death (again… immigrant parents… anti-afro-american rhetoric… blah blah blah). This would also explain a lot about my general reaction to GH guys
heckling me on the street screaming words of affirmation to get my attention—not. my. thing. This would also explain why I am generally most impressed with acts of sacrifice, since I think this shows above all that you value me enough to put things that are important to you aside. Ultimately, this explains why ‘traditional’ Valentine fair of gifts and hallmark cards are definitely not my thing. Either way, knowing this kind of information is a great way to save money and stress when considering Val’s day gifts… Maybe it is the traditional route of sending her flowers and gifts… but maybe its putting on an apron and getting down in the kitchen. Maybe it’s both at the same time… maybe it’s none.
After taking the quiz for myself, I naturally had to get all my ladies to take the quiz. I initially thought Afua’s would be physical touch and gifts…
I. Was. Wrong.
She was wrong.
I’ve been a little late to this Love Languages movement. Although I briefly touched on it in a previous post, I never really understood the five distinct languages and had not taken the quiz to understand which were mine until Amma sent me the link. My results were weird (see below), not because my number 1-4 were all clustered within a point of each other, but because they left #5 all by her lonesome self…
If you talk to my parents about when I was a baby, they will tell you I was
a little odd: ‘She could talk plenty and just surprise you with the things that came out of her mouth, and everything she did she liked to do it for herself’. I was the child that never cried for attention or to be held…. I didn’t want you to help me, because I could do it by myself. I didn’t need to be entertained as I would camp out in my crib and just be chilling with myself. Fast forward some 25 years later, and you’ll notice that nothing really has changed I am still not one that needs to be touched to express love and affection. If you really know me, you know this (clearly Amma, we’re drifting). Everything (else) communicates ‘I love you’ to me far above physical touch. And let me chime in here what I mean by physical touch before people start picking up things that I HAVEN’T put down. The physical touch I’m referring to includes things like holding hands, rubbing my lower back, arms around my waist, arms around my shoulder – *these* types of physical touch don’t really sit well with my soul as much as they just irritate it. I guess this is just how the good Lord saw fit to create me (note that my sister, who is 18 months older than me and was brought up in the same household as me, is not like this at all – so this isn’t a product of my upbringing).
I think on some level we all sort of ‘know’ our love languages. I remember when I lived in Italy, I used to see couples holding hands while dining at a restaurant and would think it was so strange, like ‘why do I have to hold your hand while we’re eating… I don’t get it…’ I would much rather hear you say how much I mean to you, and that you think the world of me, or that you’re really proud of me than be sitting there acquiring sweaty palms under the dining table. On the other side of things, I also ‘know’ that when someone I love says something really hurtful to me, it’s equally earth-shattering… but in a bad way. So this test didn’t necessarily say anything new to me, but like Amma said, it does put some vocabulary to it all. Although I knew Physical Touch would be last for me, I think what was traumatic wasn’t that it was indeed ranked last, but that it scored zero. Now I know I’m definitely an anomaly not only for women, but for Africans and for the general planet as a whole, thus I am aware that I’m going to have to make
a lot of sacrifices and compromises when I settle down – Self awareness is the first step, right? (I just pray to God that my man’s #1 love language is not Physical Touch… because that will be problematic).
So for this valentine’s day, we want our readers to make sure they are speaking the same language as their significant others. Even if you (THINK you) know your love language (and your partner’s), it’s still a good exercise for the both of you to take the free quiz online (if you don’t have time to read the book) to understand what love really means to the both of you. Armed with this information, both of you will have a better idea of how to display affection in a way the other one can actually feel.
Here’s the link to the QUIZ >> 5lovelanguagesquiz
Share YOUR Love Language with us in the comments section! Or give us a story of when you were mismatched in love languages with your partner.
…and of course, we must say:
. . .
Like we promised, here’s information on the AdventuresFrom Google hangout that RR is participating in on Friday. If you can’t watch live, we’ll put a link up to the session next week.
Join our ‘Metamorphosis of Love’ hangout on Valentine’s Day
Friday, 14th February at 17:00 GMT.
The topic to be discussed is the metamorphosis of love or its perception from the African woman’s context. What were you taught about love as a young woman, and how did those concepts change if at all in various stages of life and with different experiences?
Facilitator – Malaka (Ghana/US)
Her fab guests are:
Tosinger (Nigeria/US) Listen to her music via http://www.afrodreaming.com/home.html
Rambling Roomates (Ghana) Read their blog http://loveafrican.wordpress.com/
Tiffany (South Africa/Kenya) Check out the site she curates http://holaafrica.org/tag/holaa/
Ngosa (Zambia)Visit her blog http://mwanabaafrika.blogspot.com/
This hangout will be streamed live via this link with a recording available after the hangout via the same link. If you are on twitter follow the live tweets via @adventurefrom with the hashtag #AdSex
- Nana Darkoa wrote a blog on Why African Women are Choosing to be Single and gave a shout out to me and RR. It’s an interesting piece, so go take a look.
- Amma and I will be participating in an AdventuresFrom google hangout this month, which will cover the topic: ‘What does love look like?’ We’ll give you more details closer to the date.
I’ve decided to put a soundtrack to this post, because it seemed highly appropriate. So heads up, there are bursts of dance breaks to GrandMaster Flash ‘The Message’ throughout this post. Accra may not be the jungle that NYC was in the 80’s, but sometimes it sure as hell feels like it :)
Ok, that’s it. Let’s begin.
I made a new friend at the beginning of this year and when we first became intimate (which for female friendships means we began discussing our ‘men situations’), she was astonished at my dating past in Ghana. Her exact words being, “OMG, you date a lot.” I don’t, to be honest, but I do have a few colorful stories from dates I have been on in this humble city, which in turn solicits such a response from people… or makes it appear that I do date a lot. So this is the inspiration behind this blog. Additionally, I did say in a previous post that we were going to have a series of conversations about dating in Accra, so here goes…
Because a number of guys I’ve been on dates with have come to know about my blog, I don’t want to
expose them for their low down dirty ways put their business out like that slash people have actually flat out told me, “I don’t want to appear in your blog.” Ugh, fine! Why are you so sensitive? lol. I kid. Anyhoo, because I don’t want to be dubbed undateable in this dear city, before I give you a little taste of what I’ve been up against for the past year and a half, I will make a PSA that names have been changed in this post and I’ve changed up/ cut short some scenarios to save people some face, but still give you a flavor of the jungle that’s out here.
**Dance Break**: “It’s like a jungle sometimes… It makes me wonder how I keep from going under… Going under…”
Ok, let’s start with Kofi*. Kofi and I knew each other through a few mutual friends. We exchanged numbers at some party after I came back from a temporary stint outside the country: “Oh, you’re back in the country, we should hang out.” After a couple weeks of superficial whatsapp messages and insignificant calls, we decided to see each other out. The majority of the evening was uneventful, so let’s skip to the end of the night where Kofi has kindly asked me to perform fellatio on him… Yes, you’re reading that correctly. Perform. Needless to say, I’ve stopped talking to him on all accounts that require more than a ‘Hi’ in public.
Next we can talk about Kwame*. Who, after helping him with some professional work, decided we got along well enough to ask me out. Cool. We end up at dinner, where in the span of the first 20mins, I was asked: ‘How much I make’ ‘When’s the last time I had sex’ and ‘How many sexual partners have I had'; and the icing on the cake was being told ‘not to take offense to the line of questioning because this is just how he gets to know a girl quickly without BS’. Because #nobodysgottimeforBS. Nope, we certainly do not. You can imagine that my interactions with him subsequently have followed in the same suit as Kofi.
But I must write about Kwesi*, because he is my ultimate favorite. Kwesi met me along with another friend in the same night. Separately, he sparks interest in both of us and proceeds to get some intel on the two of us from a mutual friend. Kwesi then proceeds to go on a date with both of us in the course of about a week. When Kwesi stopped calling after our date and I stopped
caring reaching out after learning about the date he had with my friend (and that he’s a man whore that’ll hook up with pretty much anything with a vag- – -), it was no surprise to find out that he has most recently asked out one of my besties in Accra, who I had introduced him to for a business transaction. #supershady #noshame #youresomessy > Perhaps next time I see him, I should give him your number, Amma? LOL.
Although my engagement with Kwesi only lasted 2.5 weeks, I have stories for days with this one. The sad thing is, I like Kwesi, I
have had no problems with him, he’s super chill and we probably would have been cool friends acquaintances. I actually had a really nice date with him too, but like I told Amma… the issue with him is I didn’t know what was genuine and what was part of the game. Come to find out, it was ALL part of the game. Nana wrote in her piece that if a guy’s into his 30s and not married there’s usually a very good reason why. Kwesi is case in point of this. A leopard rarely changes his spots and a lifetime of gaming women doesn’t stop easily. When I confronted Kwesi about my friend he said to me, ‘but, I thought we were cool, Afua’. << What?… Like are you mental?… My favorite is when men make you feel stupid when they’re doing super shady things. Honestly, don’t men ever get tired of gaming women…
amusing sad that I have these (and more) colorful stories in my dating history. I honestly used to shy away from telling them, because I thought they somehow reflected poorly on me… Like do I smell? How do I keep attracting the Mayor, the Sheriff and the County Judge of Loser-Ville. And all these men are returnees of sorts, seemingly nice wholesome guys upon first interaction with them, and they’re in respectable jobs about their grind. But the superficial is so deceptive, and I’ve come to realize sometimes you can’t help what knocks on the door, but you can definitely decide whether to let them in or even open the door, for that matter.
Dance break: ‘don’t.push.me.cause.I’m.close.to.the.edge.I’m.trying.not.to.lose.my.head’
Thus, my #1 advice to ladies dating in Accra is….
Always Always Always seek counsel first. ALWAYS. And do so with people who have been around for a while; in my case that is NOT my immediate circle of friends who have been here <2yrs. Do background checks with someone who returned to the country at least 5yrs ago. Let’s get a snippet of how my conversation went down with my new fav friend, who’s been here over five years (yes, I felt stupid after our conversation):
“Wow Afua, you got sucked in the Kofi vortex. Please seek me before you do anything stupid again. Do you know how many of my girlfriends he’s casually hooked up with, meanwhile he has Adjoa*, his longtime girlfriend he’s planning to do knocking** for soon.”
Wow. Wow. And Wow. She must be the luckiest girl in the world.
“Oh come on Afua, everyone knows he’s the biggest prick Accra has to offer… Leave him to the foreign girls, who find his ‘I’m such an enlightened African’ act charming”
With Kwesi, my friend couldn’t stop laughing for about five minutes. Like five proper minutes:
“Oh little one, this boy is not serious in life. He’s gonna wake up 45 and still chasing anything with a vag- – -. He is the biggest ladies man ever so what exactly made you think this would be any different with you?’
And when I kept quiet, I definitely got the side eye from her.
Ok some random pondering, I often wonder if guys ever step to their guy friends on behalf of women. As in, ‘hey dude, she’s actually good peoples, don’t mess with her if you’re not interested.’ Just pondering… Do they ever think of their sisters, mothers, best female friends, their sisters-in-law, nieces, best friend’s wives…Like don’t ‘we’ deserve better *shrug* My feeling is no, but I continue…
Given that the number of educated returnee-type 20- and 30-something yr olds is
small minuscule in Accra, if that’s the crowd you’re dating, someone is bound to know the guy’s (or girl’s) background. And for me, as someone who didn’t grow up here and has only been ‘back’ less than two years, seeking counsel is beyond a must, particularly as the goal this year is NOT to have any colorful dating stories: as in I want the most boring dating life this year… the ‘boy meets girl, date, relationship, done’- type boring.
I have other dating tips to keep life moving along nicely in Accra, however these do not supersede rule #1.
Date outside the returnee crowd – this crowd can become an easy go to because you think these guys are more likely to be less traditional when it comes to gender roles and would be more compatible with your life experiences, but all this doesn’t necessarily lead to a good relationship (or a relationship at all).
Try a nice foreigner (who is not looking for a short term (African) good time) - maybe it’s time to try non-Ghanaians, non-Africans… non-Blacks?
Ask friends and (extended) family that YOU TRUST to be on the look out for guys they think would be a good match for you - YOLO. Maybe your cousin’s friend has been eyeing you for a minute, but never thought you were interested; or maybe you’ve always gotten along with your bestie’s older brother. You never know, love could be closer than you thought.
Maybe it’s time to consider the guys you’ve kept in the friendzone - There could be possibilities there if you actually took him out of the friend zone, you know.
You may look at your exes - I know people like to say, ‘don’t look back, there’s nothing good there, always move forward’ etc, but maybe it could be that the timing was off for the two of you back then, and now that you’re in different places in your life, you could make a real go of things.
*Not real names, obviously.
** Knocking is the traditional Engagement ceremony in Ghana
See Amma’s response to this post: Clash of the Titans
**Dance Break**: “It’s like a jungle sometimes… It makes me wonder how I keep from going under… Going under…**”
I must say, I am still, even a week after, in total shock and awe. It feels like just yesterday we were sharing witty banter and light exchange. I feel like I was robbed a little. I have heard such great things about Komla Dumor, and he was so accessible. I was just getting to know and become a true fan. And just like that. Gone.
Funnily, we were just talking about his love life… and about his wife who he proudly pronounced was a fellow Harvard grad from Ghana. I cannot even IMAGINE what she is going through right now. My prayers are with her and the rest of the family. The world has lost a renowned journalist, but his family has lost a son, a father and a husband. May he rest in peace and may his family be encouraged in this time. This is a response for which I am certain he would have approved.
This blog is a response to Afua’s blog on the Plight of the Single Returnee Woman:
Ok Afua… tell ‘em why you mad…
You mad, right?
All of us know the value of hard work. When I consider the demographics of our readership, I think we have all generally bought into the ideas of meritocracy (real or perceived). And while I could go on about the fallacy of boot strapism and the social constructs that inhibit true meritocracy… I think we all agree that generally if you work smart, you’ll get the things you deserve. We spend our lives accumulating titles, certificates, and accolades to prove to the world how talented we are. Somehow… these titles don’t earn us the one thing we want: relationship.
I read an article recently entitled 5 Ways Success May Be Hurting Your Love Life. The title itself is like a ‘Boy… BYE!’ type of call and response, but then when I got to the second point, I stopped and thought about it:
2. You may think you’re entitled to love because of your achievements
Apparently, love— like many other realms of life, is the furthest from meritocratic. Take Kanye for example. I mean, this guy is (in my opinion) a lyrical genius. College Dropout was like a rapper’s thesis on critical race theory and marxism (see: Slave Ship). I don’t think Kim K. deserves him. Yes, they are both narcissistic but Kim is generally… well… useless. Like the world isn’t more beautiful, or wise or enlightened because she stepped into it. She’s got many more years though (God willing). Maybe her impact is forthcoming. In either case, it seems a bit unfortunate that for all his genius, he ended up with Kim K. As JayZ would say, ‘I feel bad for you son’. And you might say, but he’s happy. To which I say, nah he’s delirious. Even Barbara Walters agrees. I guess the other lesson you could take is that maybe you can find enduring true love in a hopeless place. *shrugs* For purposes of this post, I will focus on the former. I will say that he (was) a nice, talented guy with great artistry and impeccable taste. He sort of earned someone better, in so far as one can earn someone at all. And I suppose that is just the point. That you can’t.
Similarly, Afua’s rant on the plight of the returnee in Ghana is another picture of a meritocratic dream deferred. That’s why I was concerned for her when she sent it to me… like Girl, you really want to say all that?! Essentially, the narrative here is:
I went to really good schools and I’m super smart.
I have a really good sense of humor.
I’m worldly in all of the ways that matter but I love Jesus and you could take me home to Aunty Martha.
I remember to throw on some mascara from time to time and I’m fun.
It is therefore unfortunate that a woman so well rounded has yet to find a match. I mean, really, where is the justice in the world?! When our parents tell us ‘get good grades, be respectful, love Jesus,
don’t sleep with everything you see, don’t date until you are married…’ aren’t we earning credits towards our future wifey status— among other desirables? I mean it seems to work well for us in work and personal passions. We find that all the goodness about ourselves comes together perfectly to earn us promotions and favor. We see that we make friends relatively easily. We get a chance to sit at the table with the best and brightest. Why can’t this also warrant a (decent) relationship as well?
We are basically saying, we are
perfect above average normal, so why haven’t we found our perfect match?!
Laughable isn’t it?
To say something SO presumptuous.
But why else do we feel we are entitled to a great relationship with an even greater man (preferably tall, dark and ballin’)? It really is about how highly we value ourselves. While there is nothing wrong with knowing your self worth, love is no respecter of persons. That’s what is frustrating about relationships. That there is really no exact science or even art to lasting love. It mostly requires faith. Faith that even if you weren’t as awesome as you are, or in spite of all your supposed awesome-osity, there is no way to circumvent time and circumstance. And that in due season, at the appointed hour, things will come in line.
So yeah, we do throw shade when we see the Honey boo boo’s of the world in happy relationships, while our own team (that’s killing the game in every respect) is single and ready to mingle. It does feel like the universe is out of wack when Halle Berry is still waiting to exhale after 2 marriages and a kid. But love doesn’t see beauty or accomplishment… and the sooner that is internalized, the sooner we can stop having these pity parties and focus on making the most of the single time. Use all your hard earned cred to do something meaningful and in due time… it will happen. One girl wrote:
“I’ve been living like God owes me something. Like He hasn’t held up His end of the deal. He has given me the desire for relationship and marriage, and He just hasn’t followed through.
I’ve been living under the impression that I deserve a relationship.
People talk all the time about pursuing people or things for the wrong reasons, but maybe we pursue God for the wrong reasons. Maybe subconsciously I’ve been treating God like He’s a vending machine. And my pursuit of Him has really been a pursuit of someone else.
Each day is a gift, and I’m not waiting for it to get here. It is present in every moment, and it begins anew daily. “
I think that eloquently sums it all up. To be in the present and allow time to do its work, as we continue being great.
I could go on to further critique Afua’s assumptions about what makes a girl ‘relationship material’ in the first place (being “too known” is a sure fire way to un- earn potential wifey status, just FYI), but that is its own commentary for another day. For now, I think it’s best to understand that relationships are not earned. They are not given to you after you have acquired a specific number of personal attributes. Relationships… much like the Grammy’s, may sometimes go to the seemingly undeserving, but when you get down to it… what does it even mean to ‘deserve’ someone’s loyalty and love? At the end of the day, we spend each day becoming better people and productive for the world, and hopefully… someday someone will be willing to join us for the ride.
Some of you may or may not know that on Saturday we lost a great journalist, Komla Dumor. Komla was most recently a presenter on BBC’s World News and Focus on Africa, however most Ghanaians remember him as host of the Super Morning Show on JoyFM (a popular radio station in Ghana). Komla was host of the show for many years before he left for the BBC in 2006. He was a breath of fresh air when it came to journalism about the continent (not shying away from asking tough questions, but also bringing a balanced story about the triumphs and tragedies of Mama Africa); and he was a symbol of hard work and dedication to one’s craft- and I’m not just saying these things because he was also a fellow alum of the Harvard Kennedy School! Apart from Kofi Annan, I cannot think of a better ‘ambassador’ for Ghana in the last few years. If you haven’t seen Komla’s TEDtalk on Telling the African Story, I would encourage you to take a few moments to watch it.
I know you’re probably wondering what the passing of a journalist has to do with this blog. Well, about a week and a half ago Amma and I had a discussion with Komla on twitter. We discussed (along with several other people) the plight of educated African women and how challenging it is to find an African man to date and marry. I told Komla that I was working on this precise blog, and he told me to forward it to him once I had finished writing it. Though I cannot do so anymore, I will dedicate this blog to him. R.I.P. Komla.
I’ve included snippets of our twitter discussion below. If you want to see our full interactions on the topic please visit here, and scroll to Jan 7th.
— Komla Dumor (@BBCkomladumor) January 7, 2014
Afua Entsuah (@afua_en) January 07, 2014
Amma Aboagye (@a_aboagye) January 07, 2014
Komla Dumor (@BBCkomladumor) January 07, 2014
Afua Entsuah (@afua_en) January 07, 2014
Komla Dumor (@BBCkomladumor) January 07, 2014
Afua Entsuah (@afua_en) January 07, 2014
Komla Dumor (@BBCkomladumor) January 07, 2014
- – -
I wrote a blog back in August, and for reasons
unknown I didn’t post it. It was a self-pity blog, and I knew it. A couple (brief) moments of Woe Is Me, which I (knew I) didn’t need to share with our readers. Amma also agreed: “OMG Afua, PLEASE don’t post that!” Yes, thank God for co-writers/editors.
There are a few things that I hate to be labeled in life; other than being labeled as the type of woman who can’t cook/won’t take care of her man and home/ won’t be a good mother / and someone who has high standards, what
I think I hate most to be labeled is ‘the angry single black female (blogger)’. I hate this label so much that I often censor posts about my relationship status and other topics that might make me come across as angry/bitter or having an attitude problem. At the very least, I DO NOT post things like the blog I wrote back in August. However, I stumbled across this blog over the holidays and re-read it, and Amma and I came to an agreement that perhaps we COULD share the blog (that was written in a momentary lapse of judgement that does not in any shape, fashion or form portray my general positive/all smiles outlook on life and love) and discuss it, because there are a number of interesting things that arise from it. What I discuss in the post is the plight of most some single returnee women, and I’ve come to the realization that whether I discuss it or not the world (and you our readers) have already formed opinions of women like Amma and I… So chale, #girlsabr3 paa… I’m posting and we’re going to discuss it. Medase [which means Thank you in Akan twi]. Enjoy the read!
What’s Dating like in Accra?
It’s a plane, it’s a bird, no it’s thirty I see on the horizon.
Le sigh. It’s my birthday. And though I am not 30 yet, I’ve now reached the humble age of being just as close to 30 as I am to 25.
One inch closer to 30, and one step deeper into the bottomless pit of harassment from everyone
I know about marriage:
‘What about that one guy from…’ Nope.
‘Or that guy at church that…’ Notta.
‘Or the one friend which…’ Never.
‘Well, I swore that you had that one that…’ Well, you swore wrong.
Usually a cloud of silence looms following the above, and then comes: ‘Well how come [you're single]?’ Though I’ve never understood this question in the past, it’s irritation increases to new bounds with age. As if picking a man occurs on my Sunday grocery run, where he’s sitting on aisle 9 between the milk and cheese. What this question is really meant to do is to provide agreement to an unstated yet painfully obvious statement: ‘It’s okay, there’s nothing wrong with you, Afua’. It’s usually here that I’ll indulge in the conversation for the sake of the other party, because obviously the conversation is not meant for me, but for their confirmation that there still exists some order in the world: ‘You know, next time you go to The Lord in prayer, please do bare me up‘ / ‘In your next round of fasting, remember me kra… For I know it’ll come, he’s on his way, in due time’ *rolling eyes*.
In these types of conversations, the grande crescendo takes place with the full on questioning of how I stack up (compared to other ladies who are in relationships and/or are married already): but are you cooking for them? Are you dangling that feminist thing in front of them or talking too much? And then the icing on the cake is the definitive statement that the other party is not worried about me: ‘Because beh you’re pretty, and smart and not crazy, so most definitely you’ll find someone.’ Depending on the audience, I either stand with an innocent smile to join in their dumbfoundedness,
feign state my confidence that I am indeed not worried because at any moment in time I could meet the man of my dreams, or unleash my semi-feminist attack that men don’t necessarily want these things they have listed out/ these things don’t mean anything these days because look at all the amazing beautiful smart black single women around the world *shrug*. The latter happens less, and usually only towards family to put the fear of God in them…
A couple weeks ago, a group of six of my girlfriends had a lunch to celebrate the return of one of our dear friends. A couple hours and a couple bottles of wine later came the dreaded discussion, the topic we love to hate, The Inevitable:
“Lay it on me girls, what am I really in for now that I’m back?”
Five of the six present are for all intents and purposes single, including the recent returnee herself. The one who isn’t, is dating a black American living in Ghana.
“Well,” One starts: “Hoes be killing the game.” I laugh, but she is dead serious.
Another chimes in: “If they’re not into their careers and still sowing their wild oats and surveying their options, they’re with some hoe, some white girl (white includes everything non-black in this case), or they’re douchey and not what you want. The few that are wifed up already with sensible girls hold down the rest.”
After a few more comments of a similar nature, the guest of honor brings it home: “So essentially our men don’t want ‘us’. Great. Welcome ‘home’.” – And by ‘us’, we mean our prototype: Ghanaian, but not. Feminist, but not. And definitely Too-Known. It was interesting to then collectively list out all the women killing the game in ‘our’ own country: the born and bred Ghanaian, the basic chick, the hoe, and the foreigner… hell, the foreigner is even killing the game from outside Ghana we conclude. From here we list out the number of guys we know that have met their significant others outside Ghana and have brought them back to the country to live with them. Let me interject here that the recent returnee’s own brother is seriously dating a ‘white’ girl who he has moved to Ghana. [SPOILER ALERT: Since the writing of this blog in August, the serious girlfriend has now become his fiancee].
Rest assured, it wasn’t an all male bashing session that followed, but it was funny to have things come full circle in my mind, because when I moved to Ghana from South Africa a little over a year ago (save a 3month dip out/dip in), I had a long conversation with an earlier returnee and fellow love/sex blogger, Nana Darkoa, who flat out told me: ‘Afua, there are no eligible men in Ghana… For your purposes, those men are all married.’ And then here I am a year later co-signing to a similar message to another returnee. Hmm. At the time I moved from S.A, I was less worried about this because I thought I was in a progressing situation, but a year later… a few abysmal first dates (actually a little more than a few), a lot of new ‘friends’, and a few okay guys… singledom still looms. Although I don’t think Nana’s assessment of Ghana is entirely correct, I do see her point. Even while at lunch my group of girlfriends tried to come up with five names of returnee women who had come to Ghana single and met men that they were now happily married to. Five. That’s less than 1 person per attendee (note that we disregarded women who ‘knew the guy in primary school’ or ‘the guy was a family friend’). Needless to say, we couldn’t come up with five women. Sigh.
The truth is I know why I’m single, it’s quite simple actually: I haven’t found anything that has stuck [on both sides]. The reasons that follow really are inconsequential because they vary from guy to guy (so contrary to popular assumption, it isn’t about having high standards). I am of the belief that when it’s supposed to stick it will, even if that means that this happens on the other side of 30, to the horror and chagrin of my relatives… when it’s supposed to stick, it will. So until then, another year, another step into the bottomless pit.
Happy birthday to me.
- – -
Ya, I wrote that. *shrug* Don’t judge me.
So it’s six months later, how do I feel about this post and the things that I said in it. I won’t spend too much time here, because this blog is just a conversation starter to the general topic of ‘Dating in Accra as a Returnee’. However, I will say this: my situation may not have changed in the last six months, but my attitude definitely has. I’m in a place of ‘Whether or not my situation changes, I do not want to get tied up in knots about things (or allow others to tie me up in knots about them).’ I have life and health, I have great family and friends, and I like my job. I like where I am in life… I’m growing and learning a lot about myself, and until a man comes alongside me to join me on this ride, I should not be downcast and distraught.
Read Amma’s Response: No One is Entitled to a Relationship
It’s the holiday season… and the spirit of giving is upon us. I for one, know this can be a supremely stressful time for buying gifts… especially buying for guys. I feel like the world wants us to believe they are super simple and that meeting basic needs will prove satisfying enough for the holidays— not the case when you are dating a man whose fashion sense precedes him… or who insists he wants nothing (because he already has… everything.)
So in these harrowing moments, when your back is against the wall— what does one give to one’s man that is not insulting but won’t break the pocket (see Kim Kardashian’s gift to Kanye… #girlsabr3)
Here is what we believe to be suitable gifts from the heart that are genuine and will remind him daily of what an insanely awesome girl you are
and if he were to ever leave or forsake you it would be God’s wrath and not yours he should be worried about. Sorry. Crazy Person Moment.
1. Signature Apparel
So I dated a guy who dressed super well. Better than I did. I can admit this now.
Buying him things was like torture.
However, I figured out that if I got him something that no one else could get him but was essentially exactly like everything else in his closet, I would be #winning in the gift giving department.
I really like Ohema Ohene’s line of clothing items (and they’ve recently opened a shop in East Legon!—no they did not ask for an endorsement—yes I am doing this from my heart). There are some really bold pieces but also more subtle ones for those guys that don’t want to say much with what they’re wearing— that sort of casual appeal that we have all come to know and love.
Afua: I won’t lie, I’m not so sure how much this is my cup of tea nor the type of guy I’m into’s either, BUT if this is your man’s swag, definitely run with it.
2. Tech— Accessories.
Look… I haven’t yet reached the Michelle O. level of dropping thousands of dollars on the newest Bose speakers, but I can definitely get you a boss iPad cover that lets all your friends, family and enemies know that you mean business. This is especially clutch because everyone else sees how great you are and it’s important during the season of giving that you spread your cheer (and style savvy) to all of his compatriots.
Plus, it’s actually handy.
(These could totally be made in Bolga… and then inscribed!)
Afua: I really like Amma’s idea of personalizing gifts. I once got a guy a money clip with his initials engraved on it… and I definitely came up on top that year. I am also a fan of patronizing the north of Ghana, so this gift idea is winning all around.
3. Musical Compilation
This might sound a bit cheesy, but I once did a nice little compilation of songs that were meaningful in our relationship and it was a hit. Now I am NOT suggesting this gift be given as a standalone… as the sentimentality of it won’t compensate for it being sort of cheap and seemingly ad- hoc… but it’s a great complimentary gift. And there are so many cute little ways to package it now.
Afua: Personally I don’t see the problem with this being a standalone gift… it sure is better than just a ‘cake’ to me, *shrug*
When Amma told me she wanted to do a holiday special on what to get your man for the holidays, I thought it was so appropriate. In our (Ghanaian) culture, where an appropriate present for your man on his birthday is a cake, I often wonder if women get creative with their gift giving, because there are some neat things out there… things you can really dress up or make as chill as you want, depending on the message you want to send.
First things, first. Kaftan.
Amma and I share many similarities in life, but our love for men in Kaftan stands above
all most others. I’m not one to call myself a fashionista, nor do I fuss about my any man’s clothing, but there is absolutely nothing like a man in Kaftan. Nothing. The way God designed our traditional dress to bring out all the qualities of sexiness, swag, masculinity (indeed everything a woman needs to feel about her man), it’s absolutely mind boggling. Kaftan has the ability to upgrade any man’s status instantaneously- Amma’s words, which I totally agree with. Long sleeve, short sleeve, shirt-level, knee-length or to the ankle, royal blue, grey, gold, take your pick… and don’t let it be white…wooowee *le sigh* Ok, I’m done. :) Now that I’ve clearly stated how this gift is obviously for my benefit, let’s get into how it is a suitable gift for your man. It’s practical: other than men needing clothes, it is a great outfit for weddings, parties, and even everyday wear (you can get away with a lot). And he’ll definitely be getting some love action from you, if you’re anything like us.
Something I just thought of that would be really sexy would be if you engrave a
naughty cute little message on the inside of the shirt or trousers… this is the beauty of getting something made in Ghana, you can be creative… :)
Amma: AGREED! *swoooon* Honestly, in the hierarchy of men’s apparel… white tee and cargo at number 4, suit and tie at number 3 and kaftans tied at number 1…
It’s interesting how they say a well tailored suit to a woman is as lingerie to a man, but my next pick is just one aspect of the suit: The bowtie. I don’t think this is something that Amma vibes with as much as I do, however I like a man in a bowtie, and if your man is that kind of man that rocks bowties, do it! It’s a clean simple gift, and we’ve found some really nice ones at Krachi, a local company just taking off which makes local print (and other patterned) bowties. The company is just about to launch a new line of bowties so watch out for that!
Amma: I am not one for recommending neck wear for guys, largely because I think it’s really easy and sort of unexciting. But I love Krachi ties… so if you are going to make this your move, I’d say make it one that matters by getting something that stands out.
I think more creative gifts like creating a playlist or going on weekend getaways are actually the best types of gifts. Even though women probably prefer these types of gifts more… I’ll admit I once had my guy promise to take me on a weekend trip if I lost a bet we had going… I still think a man would really enjoy you putting together a nice weekend getaway for the two of you- And by putting together, I mean planning, PAYING, driving, etc. I’m not sure what man wouldn’t turn down fine dining… quality time together… and, couple massages. Done. Even though it’s been in small intervals, Ghana has stepped up it’s tourism game; I just returned from a really nice wedding in Aburi, so I can say for a fact that you don’t have to look far for some really nice (long) weekend getaway spots. See some suggestions below!
Amma: I loved Beige Village… and I definitely think it’s a cool chill spot for guys to get away and hang around without
prostitutes and debauchery distractions. Golf… massages… buffet meals and excellent service. Annnnd all the OG’s go out there to relax (there’s this great pic of Amoabeng and co. as a reminder, haha)… so obviously their spirit of OGness will rub off on him. Honestly… everyone wins!
Clearly this list isn’t exhaustive, similar to our date spots in Accra post (look out for part 2 of that soon btw!), however this is a decent list to get you coming out on top this gift-giving season. So a Merry Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to you and yours, and we’ll see you in the new year for more ramblings!
WHOA. I don’t know what to say, but THANK YOU. I’m not one to be very outwardly emotional (y’all know this), so you can probably imagine the inner struggle I had writing and actually posting my last blog, but your response has only confirmed that it was the right thing to do. After posting ‘Knowing Before You Know‘, I received so much love through calls, emails, whatsapp messages, informal discussions- thanking me for being so
blunt open, it was kinda crazy weird. Not to mention the fact that y’all really shared the post – it was the highest single day viewed post in the history of this blog, by more than double… ya, crazy times.
So without getting too emo on you again, I wanted to say thanks for the encouragement and support…and the sharing of the post! It’s great to know people relate to and appreciate what we’re writing.
On a last note, I want to clear up that that post wasn’t about bashing the guy or men in general; there are great guys out there, and I actually think he’s one of them. Judging from the way he treats his family and friends, I know he’s going to be a great husband to his wife one day; my post was about the fact that ‘she’ wasn’t me… and I should have been more attentive to the signs so I could have bowed out of the game much earlier and been on a path to find the person who was for me.
Anyhoo on to my actual post, which is a response to Amma’s piece on Faith, Fidelity and Family.
- – -
If I’m honest, I’ve often wondered
if when this subject would come up. In fact, it’s such a dicey topic that it’s taken me over three months to pull a response together. Amma and I have had several too many conversations to count on this topic, because it’s a little too close to home for us. Like Amma, I also grew up in a strong faith-based home. Although not quite the Pentecostal hooting and hollering-type, it was definitely the grounded in faith, grounded in The Word and church-type. And like Amma, I also fell in love with someone who didn’t share in my faith was basically atheisty- agnosticy, and I had to grapple with how I wanted to proceed. Following the relationship, I still have to say that my feelings toward being with someone outside of my faith aren’t hellbent on ‘no’. Too much has happened since then for me to know that life is complicated, and sometimes love is complicated too. So as much as I would love to be with someone who shares my same beliefs, I can’t guarantee that if put in the exact same situation again, I wouldn’t continue on with the relationship… And that’s just real talk.
The topic of inter-faith or faith/no-faith relationships has reared it’s head several times in the last few months, not only with the referenced letter in Amma’s post, but also with an intriguing conversation that I had with some new friends of mine here in Accra. And because you know I love to retell a good story… let’s begin:
The setting is the apartment of a young married couple in Accra. I’m having a friendly discussion with the man of the house about everything and nothing in particular. The conversation slowly steers towards the standard, “how is life in Accra treating you as a ‘returnee’ ‘half-outsider’?” Armed and loaded with my ‘young returnee answer tool kit’, I respond politely that things are fine and uneventful.
“And dating in Accra?”>> ‘bold, much?’ I think to myself, ‘this usually doesn’t come up till further into these types of conversations…’ But still, I present my neatly packaged response: “uneventful.”
“Are your standards too high?” Was the subsequent question. Which for now I’ve come to expect when I give anyone a less than stellar response to the “Are you seeing anyone?”-type question. Unfortunately for me, the one word response of ‘No’ is never believed by whomever I’m speaking to, and spending time explaining how their assessment of me is incorrect is always a very conscious decision because it means getting into an exhausting
argument exchange that I’m so over before it begins. However, as life would have it I found this gentleman mildly worthy to continue engaging with me on this topic, so I gave him a half truth in response, ‘I’m not picky, but I do think wanting someone that loves Jesus in a genuine- genuine meaning not illogical fanatic way**- is hard to come by these days (read here how some studies brand Christians less intelligent than atheists).
“My wife is religious, and I’m not in the least.”
From here, he proceeds to tell me their story and how things work for them in a faith/no faith relationship. For some context: this is a young, well educated, well traveled couple with no kids. However, this isn’t the end of the story- his wife walks in and he invites her to join in on the discussion, which puts an interesting spin on things. I won’t waste too much time on the details of the rest of the exchange, but my two takeaways from the conversation were these:
1. It can work- Inter-faith and faith/ no-faith relationships. However, the can is a very big can. And that work, is very real work; and,
2. It is not ideal for the party that is Christian (particularly if this is the woman).
Obviously, I don’t know the ins and outs of Mr No Faith and Mrs Faith’s marriage, but as it pertains to #1, what I mean is that heaven doesn’t rain down fire and the world doesn’t come to a screeching halt (like some Christians would like to believe). However, undoubtedly sacrifices have to be made: Mr. No Faith mentioned he accompanies his wife to church on occasion because he knows ‘it’s important to her’, and Mrs. Faith mentioned that she doesn’t share with her husband her ‘God experiences’ knowing he wouldn’t appreciate them (I believe her actual words were, “he’d probably laugh”). In regards to #2, I say this isn’t ideal for the Christian spouse because marriage for Christians is supposed to have a deeper purpose of being one of the most important ways God uses to demonstrate His Nature -how He loves, how He commits, how He sacrifices, and how He forgives- to non-believers (and believers) on earth. Thus fundamentally, this is supposed to guide how a couple spends their time, money, and how they raise their children, etc. Particularly for the Christian wife, an ‘unequally yoked’ relationship isn’t ideal because men are looked to, in most people’s minds, as the (spiritual) leader of the home. Amma pointed out that this seems to be something women ‘obsess over’ more than men, and I think it’s because there is no substitute influence over a woman’s life and her children’s than the leadership of her man on all matters spiritual and none. With the number of ‘single’ women I see at church, children in tow, I often wonder what the dynamics are at home (for example, what is their continual response to their children when they ask, ‘How come daddy doesn’t have to go to church?’). [If you want to read more on this, here's a good article on whether interfaith marriage is always wrong, from a Christian perspective].
I think similar to Amma’s dad, Mrs. Faith having crossed over the hurdle of nuptials has the luxury of saying things like, ‘you should try to find someone you’re spiritually compatible with from the get go’- which is indeed something she said during our conversation. Because both she and Amma’s dad successfully found someone they actually connected with enough to marry (even if it was only on a physical and emotional level), hindsight is now 20/20… especially when you’re rendering advice to single young women like me and Amma. But for us who haven’t been fortunate enough to have found our
ride-or-die, lover, roomie, best friend person to share our lives with yet, we recognize that it’s quite a tall order these days to find someone who you connect with – mind, body, AND soul. And things become more complicated when you add in the fact that the difference between some Christians and non Christians is inconsequential, for the most part now. It also doesn’t work in your favor when you’re smitten by a particular type of guy- the highly educated, highly analytical, highly opinionated critical thinker who is not drawn to fables about an intangible God up in heaven looking out for us (and dictating how we have to live our lives), much less His incompetent followers gouging money from poor unsuspecting gullible people *side eye*- yes, Amma and I dated iterations of the.same.guy. Although these men were supportive of our individual relationships with Christ (and have a lot to do with why we have individually matured in our faith/beliefs even now), I know our relationships with them would have been richer if we could have been able to-
…pray with them and not at them…
… go to church with them
… make jokes about the Israelites in the old testament stories with them (really, Amma?)
… encourage them through scripture and (co)prayer
… and talk about hearing from God or experiencing a move of the Spirit without them rolling their eyes and/or smirking, just like Amma said.
However, I also know being a Christian doesn’t guarantee connection/compatibility (nor fidelity, honesty, good communication and all that other great stuff), so I can empathize with Lola that she was captivated by her husband by something other than his spirituality. I am happy that she found that special someone, and I recognize that people do change (note that it’s generally accepted that men take a longer time to ‘find religion/spirituality’ than women), but I also know that it’s not my job to change anyone, it’s God’s. So while not making any judgments on Lola’s situation, if I were to end up being with someone not of my faith, rather than placing stipulations on what their spirituality has to become ultimately, I would make peace with who I was marrying… as he was. And I would certainly make peace with the fact that I may be forever trucking to church solo, children-in tow, answering questions like ‘why doesn’t daddy have to go to church?’
**What I mean by this is you actually know why you believe what you believe, and how it translates to practical living, rather than blindly following any hooting and hollering pastor of the day, or just going to church because that’s what your parents did.
I spent some time with a close guy friend a couple weeks ago while stateside, and a
slightly inebriated trip down relationship/situationship lane concluded with some chilling realizations and some good insights for me going forward. I thought it was time to start turning wounds into wisdom, so here goes.
The conversation began with the acknowledgement that ‘yes, there are always signs when something’s not going to work out, but we choose to ignore them- While for men, ignoring usually involves a fight between both “heads”, a woman’s fight is usually between her head and her heart. So given this fight, how does one pick up that you’re not ‘his wifey’ in order not to waste your time? Good q. For the remainder of this piece, I’ll try to recount John’s** side of the conversation in italics slash give my thoughts and list out six key findings in bold. Although these are personalized to me, they are general takeaways for everyone on how to know before you know.
In no particular order:
1. How many times did I tell you to let this one go? And not just me, how many people told you to let this one go? You put it down, you pick it up. You walk away, then turn right back around and RUN back. You let it half way heal, then with one little itch and you’re picking at it. >>> When your guy friends cry foul, it’s a problem. I know I’ve talked about this before, but I’ll reiterate it because it’s such a good test. Maybe even before ‘your man’ admits it to you or to himself, sometimes your guy friends can pick up on actions or inactions and let you know what’s really up with a guy. Listen to your guy friends when they tell you to keep it moving, especially when it’s multiple friends and said repeatedly. It’s not an exact science, but this is definitely better than listening to your girlfriends who tend to rationalize actions with you..
2. Not one? single one of his
close friends, period, knew of the existence of his and your situation. And that is all on you, boo. As a relationship blogger, you really should know better. >>> I really should. I mean, I have a blog post that even discussed this… so no excuses on this one. Let me just copy/paste what I already ‘know': His Family and Friends not knowing about you is a problem. If you’re ‘together’ and every one of your close friends and family knows about him, but none of his close friends or family knows about your existence/relationship, it’s time to reconsider the situation. If you drop hints of loving to meet his family/friends and he evades or shuts down the conversation, it’s time to consider why. And this includes the lot of ‘I don’t tell people about my personal business’ folks. Yes, some men don’t like to gossip about who they’re fooling around with, but when he’s serious about you, he’ll want the important people in his life to know about you. And for you to know them.
3. And on that note… the ex never left the picture, so you better go take several seats, little girl. If it takes any man 6 months to break up with a chick, don’t think for a second that thing is going to die
easily >>> When the ex never leaves the picture, it’s a problem. So you did your research once the two of you started talking… Who was before, how serious was it, is she outta the picture? But it’s not always about the past, you need to also consider the present. Even if others have opinions about what their situation was/is, even if he said ‘she wasn’t wifey’…trust your gut. If things don’t feel right on more than one occasion, maybe it’s for a reason. And things not feeling right can manifest in various forms: 1. They’re still really good friends (a little too good) 2. She’s someone who never let go: Checking in… ‘Hows your mama & ‘em doing?… Did your pops receive the Christmas present I sent him’ Etc.*side-eye* 3. His friends never understood why he broke up with her, and continue to believe she’s the best match for him (See #2 again) 4. The general public/ his friends and acquaintances still associate him with her in a romantic sense… Everyone pause for a moment: I actually had a conversation once with someone who referred to the person I was currently talking to as ‘oh, you mean so-and-so’s ex’… Errr yup, that’s exactly who I was referring to… *side-eye*. For this one, John was stressing that perhaps I never lost him because I never had him to lose. That perhaps he was never the one, because he was always someone else’s one. If she’s got the best friends and family on lock, you’ll always be fighting an uphill battle; just don’t be surprised if in 2, 3, 4 years even they’re back together near engaged *shrug*.
3.5. Not to belabor the point, but you took too long to decide what you wanted and then to tell him, and in general there will be less encroachment on territory if it is clearly marked. One reason someone can come back so easily into a man’s life, is when he’s not locked down. You have a window of opportunity to lock it down with a guy, once that’s gone, you can’t really do much after that. >>> When it takes too long to get commitment, it’s a problem. If you want something, decide quickly and take it. If you get hurt in the process, at least you can say you tried… But don’t allow a situation to float in the milky way undefined. One of the most eye opening lessons I’ve learned in the last year is the power of a decisive woman in a relationship. And this is all from the mouths of men too: ‘Women sometimes underestimate their influence over men (especially educated black women). A woman can have the power to make decisions for ‘us’, because sometimes we don’t know what we want or what’s best for us, and we need a woman to make a case/decision that ‘hey, we’re doing this’.’ What I’ve seen over the past year living in Ghana is that the purposeful/intentional/aggressive women be killing the game- and the laissez-faire, well…they’re not. And intentional here is not thirsty or manipulative, it’s just being straight with what you want.
4. Your values/ religion did not align, and no one backed down. Love compromises, so if yall weren’t willing to come to an understanding on this then there’s not too much you could do there >>> I know this is a dicey one. In our favorite guest post on White Women, the author called foul play on African men brought up by traditional/Christian mothers who wanted to deviate from that with their own significant others. However, to that all I can say is: It’s. Allowed. God forbid men don’t want to marry their mothers, even if they think the world of them. You’re allowed to adore your mama and not want to date/marry ‘her’ per se, or allow ‘her’ to raise your kids in the world we live in now. And I find this true for a lot of African men who’ve grown up/ spent a considerable amount of time abroad. It’s the same thing really as marrying outside your race/culture. And I am fully aware that opposites attract and there are successful inter-faith and no-faith/faith couples, however if the two of you don’t see each others values/religions as assets (or at the very least not liabilities) to the other’s character, then its a red flag. And this is more than tolerance, it’s respect and a willingness to live with the consequences of that persons values/religion… Including (if you’re to get married) how you raise your kids.
5. Count for me how many times in 3 years, you TRULY felt this boy was going H.A.M for you, as in putting in serious time and energy to make the relationship work.
1, 2, 3 times? Maybe a handful?
Actually that’s okay, you don’t have to answer.
>>> He likes you
a little less than you like him. It’s the time tested rule passed down from Grandmama that we all heard growing up: You want a man who likes you a little more than you like him. For obvious reasons… or maybe not so obvious, so I’ll explicitly say it… Men like to chase and women like to be chased. It’s like the circle of life or something *shrug*. If you as the woman are driving things, if you’re the one trying to manipulate situations to see him, speak to him scheming to make it work, it’s prob not supposed to work. If he shows unwavering commitment to his friends and family, and for you it doesn’t quite seem like he’s putting in as much dedication to show you how he feels… sooner or later, the truth always surfaces. And I’m not advocating for playing games here either… I do think women should make their feelings known, but after that if he’s not reciprocating on a similar level then keep it moving… And I realize there’s a delicate balancing act one has to do between this and #3.5.
6. WTF. Even as a man, I WAS confused of this guy’s actions. He’s in, he’s out, he’s up, he’s down. >>> Indecision is a decision. And I’ve already talked about this …. twice. Don’t necessarily equate leaving and returning as a sign that he wants to be with you… Because although he comes back, he still leaves again. If he can’t make a permanent decision about you, and it’s been more than 12 months…keep it moving – words from a man, not me. And I can’t give enough stress to #1, if your guy friends cry foul… well, you know the rest.
- – -
Well, that’s the list I
uncovered can remember with John. Perhaps he was a little hard on me, but I needed to hear it and I think many women need to as well. What’s worse than being in love with someone who doesn’t love you back, is wasting time on being with someone who truly doesn’t want to be with you, so use the 6 tests above… I think they can save you a lot some of the head heartache. The guy may like you (even care for you deeply), but the key here is that he’s not into you enough to stay permanently… Enough to tell his fam/friends about you… Enough to pass the smell test with objective guy friends. I think more than this being a therapeutic post for me, I also don’t want anyone to ever spend too much time on a one-sided love, or ever have to hear a guy say to you after three years, ‘you know, you don’t exactly fit in with my whole life situation’… *shrug* It happens.
**Name changed obvi
Yesterday, I participated in a small google hangout as part of the BBC’s 100 Women series. It was short and sweet, only a couple bloggers ended up being able to join, so the conversation wasn’t as full, but it was some fun times. Also, just wanted to clarify the presenter called me an expert – I’m not. And I didn’t start Bandeka.com, I was only a part of the leadership team. Enjoy! And for more on the 100 Women Series visit HERE!
There’s nothing to do, nothing to eat in this town.
Because we care about our readers (and their dating lives) so much, we thought we’d run through ten categories of good restaurants in town where one can have a nice first AND second date. Bare with us, this is sort of the first time we’re attempting to have a real conversation style blog. The conversation is led in regular font by Afua, and Italicized is Amma.
First date: Santoku.
Af: Make sure you’re ready to pay though, it is not the place for posing either, don’t get there and order water and edemame. Yes, I’m talking from first hand experience.
Am: This is a good first date spot mostly for guys to show off a little bit. I wasn’t overwhelmed by the main course menu but as a desserts girl… they had some really fun things.
Second date: Rockafellas
Af: Everyone would think to eat at Monsoon, it’s the obvious choice, but give rockafellas a try. A newer, less expensive joint (it is the old 3121) inside the Tantra compound in osu). Nice ambiance, fresher sushi, and not as crowded (like monsoon).
Am: Plus they have edemame… and I can’t stand going to sushi places that don’t serve edemame (ahemMONSOONahem). Since I can’t get my personal fix (I have yet to figure out where I can buy it in bulk and eat it like popcorn while watching the movie channel), I need to have it when I eat sushi.
First date: Thai Island (Afrikiko)
Second date: Zion Thai
Af: I like the feel of Thai Island, but in terms of food, people really prefer Zion. I wouldn’t venture there if your stomach isn’t strong, I’ve known more than a couple of people get sick after eating there- myself included :( – So it may not make for a cute morning after the night before situation.
Am: Because Zion Thai is in Osu in this sort of quaint spot on the corner of a street, it seems way more casual and therefore perfect for the second date where you can break out the dark denims and heels. Plus they serve really good Thai Iced Tea (and it’s always available) and Afrikiko has yet to have it when I go.
First Date: Mamma Mia
Am: I love thin crust brick oven pizza, especially Margeritta with fresh basil, tomatoes and cheese. Mamma Mia is probably the closest I have gotten to it. The outdoor seating is a really nice way to make a casual affair of a rather formal encounter, it being first date and all.
Second Date: Dine in and order Pappas Pizza
Af: Living with your bestie has some perks, including skipping out on dates, period, and lazying around the apartment catching up on the week’s Newsroom, Scandal, Good Wife, or Suits episodes over some Pappas Pizza. It’s a great stay in option if you’re living in East Legon, and they are SUPER fast – 15min! Plus they deliver the pizza to your car door when you go to pick it up.
First date: Azmera
Af: Ok, Amma and I differed a little on the first date option. A lot of people say Buka is the spot for upscale traditional food. And although I am not a fan of their wait times, nor impressed with the quality of food, I would put it as #1 for the ambiance. However, I really like Amma’s choice of Azmera in Airport as well, so we’ve gone with that option. It’s really good food. Great for a lunch date, but you will pay a decent penny for the ‘luxury’ buffet. Try their palm wine (not too much if you have to go back to work). I’m not usually a huge fan of Palm Wine, but this one is really fresh.
Second date: Bush Canteen (or any other chop bar)
Af: Second date-wise, you can switch it up for your local chop bar. I’ve been on a date before where the guy took me to a fufu spot under a tree. No lie. And it was definitely one of my most memorable dates. If you can vouch for the quality of food (ie. your date won’t be sick the next day), take her to a ‘local spot’ and see how she fares…. it’s a good litmus test.
Am: Groundnut Soup and Omutuo are my kryptonite. I like that Bush Canteens is spicy without burning my lips, and has a good amount of groundnut paste. I also love the general chop bar vibe because at the point that you can eat with your hands, licking bowls and slurping soup without repulsing the other person, it’s probably a good sign for the both of you.
First date: Toros Tapas
Second date: Chase El Paso, Osu
Af: Toros Tapas is kind of a given for a first date, but because we do not have very many choices for Spanish/Mexican food in Accra, our second date choice is Chase Tex Mex. It’ll hit your pocket like a first date would, but the atmosphere is more relaxed than toros. It is across from Koala in Osu.
Side note, if you want to just have some bomb nachos on the fly-by, hit up Rhapsody’s! Their nachos hit. The. Stop. Every time.
Am: I was low key going to just put Rhapsodys as the first choice, SOLELY because of those nachos plus the fajitas! But I do like tapas… I wish they weren’t all so expensive, but the concept of small plates to try together is really cool, and a good way to ascertain sense of adventure… no? If he’s all ‘nachos and quesadillas’ then it’s on to the next, right? haha!
6. Bar Food
First date: Honeysuckle
Second date: Republic
Af: Honeysuckle can be hit or miss depending on the day. Not my idea of a sexy first date, but if she’s into watching football games, you really can’t go wrong here. With the new renovations, make sure to sit in their non-smoking section! Also, get their wings – they’re really good.
Am: Republic has such a chill vibe plus the goat and rice is delicious. It’s definitely one of those places you go to live out your Harlem in the summer fantasies. Sitting outside in the evening, talking really loudly, bumping into familiar faces and enjoying your place in the hipster sub- community makes for a great second date. PLUS the food and drinks are locally sourced. #forallbyus
7. French (we’re not experts in this field)
First date: Le Must
Second date: Chez Clarisse
Af: We’re not experts in the french field, however I’ve had great dinners at Le Must. We have heard La Chaumiere is also good, however we are yet to try it. Note these spots will both put nice holes in your wallet, gentleman. Yes, I said gentleman, as this is a first date spot.
**We must admit,
we’ve afua has become a little obsessed with this little Ivorian spot in Osu in the last month, as such it has made it onto the list for a second date spot. For amazingly spiced Tilapia and good attieke, there. is. no. other. place. in. Accra. to. go. **
Am: Chez Clarisse- I think I have been there about four times in the last three weeks. It’s very divey, but the people are so friendly and the bissap is delicious (though it could use some ginger for spice). It’s sort of out of the way, which makes it a bit more intimate without all of the frufru of say, Le Chaumiere.
Sadly, I have so many options for lunch… Sigh
First date: Sunshine cafe
Second date: Starbites
Af: I love me some sunshine cafe. I go there at least once every 2 weeks, and it’s always filled with duos. For nice portions, options, and a great atmosphere, it’s great for nice first date and being in Osu makes it easier for you and him/her to get back to work quickly. Unlike our second choice. Starbites definitely has a special place in our hearts. Not only because Eric the owner is a friend, but because the place is the backdrop to a lot of good laughs in our lives… remember our random run-in?
Am: Starbites is one of those places you go and just expect to make a lazy day of it. Getting your food will likely take a cool hour or so, but that’s great for second date because you aren’t really in a rush to leave and it’s likely that you are completely not even focused on the fact that your drink still hasn’t come around. Plus, the honey wings are absolutely divine and will also help you forget if this date is going really badly and you need to focus your attention on something more— stimulating.
9. Weekend Brunch
First date: Labadi…
Af: The oldest, and most tried and true breakfasts in Accra, we think at least…-and probably the most expensive.
Am: One thing I like about the general Labadi atmosphere is that it feels other worldly without being super ornate or grandiose. Plus, they have a good lamb tagine. Even if that’s not breakfast food, they are still yummy. The brunch is a good spread of foods and the desserts are also a good array of sweets.
Second date: Fiesta Royale or others
Af: Our criteria for here is less about costs than just crowds – so for something less frequented, try hotels like Fiesta Royale.
First date: DNR
Second date: Chase
Af: I don’t know much to say about DNR. It’s consistent good food. Done. It’s not going to hit your wallet like the other first date spots, but it’s nice. Regarding Chase, they are consistent as well, and though their new renovations have bumped them up the design pole… there’s just a lot of the ‘I’m too cool for school’ crowd of youngins that hang around there, this may turn some people off for a first date.
Am: It’s so sad how I live down the street from DNR but have never been… as for Chase’s though, I think their Shawarmas are allllrrriiigght. I really like the Shawarmas from Basilissa’s, also in Labone, but Chase has a nicer set up inside and there is a little outside venue too in case you want to enjoy the weather a bit (though dry season may not make that so enjoyable). So it’s pleasant.
Af: We’ve definitely not exhausted the list of good eats or date places in Accra (and we’ve left out categories like Indian, Italian, Ulterior Motives and Weekend Trips). So we’ll be coming back to you in part II soon… After we’ve eaten at more places, and gone on more dates perhaps?
Am: Ese Woara Hehe :)
So… what are your favorite first and second date restaurants? Let us know, in the comments below!
This is a response to Afua’s most recent blog post “Go Check Your Wife, Now!”
- – -
Amma: “Yo…I saw you called. You never call. Whats up?”
Afua: “Girl! Guess who texted me”
Amma: “<insert names of many an antagonist in the Afua Telenovela of Life>”
Afua: “No…. ***’s wife”
* face palms*
* rolls eyes *
*<shows other general signs of incredulity>*
I HATE… with a scathing hatred, when women approach ‘the other women’ about their relationship issues. Does that even make sense to you? Do you really think that if your man is going to step out, the woman is some seductress trapping your man with fetish powers and flirtatious text messages? Are you a fool?!
That is what I wanted Afua to say to her, but as Afua noted, she decided to take the high road of not even responding at all— well aside from the blog post. In a secret fantasy of mine, I hope she happens upon the post and sees how ridiculous the situation even sounds. After we had a ‘could one person be so dense’ fest… I started thinking about Afua’s stance on keeping in touch with exes in relationships… and now I am starting to wonder if it is all a function of age.
In high school, when it was all, semester long relationships… maintaining a meaningful friendship with an ex was an excusable thing because a) you could totally fall in love again in college or after and b) what you shared wasn’t deep enough to throw a whole wrench in your social calendar. No reason to make going to the movies with the group this big awkward experience.
In college, when you thought you would marry on your graduation day and you didn’t, it still made some sense to at least KIT. I mean… networking. Plus…you could always fall in love again in five years if you were not married and there was no one else (was I the only one making these social contracts?). In any case, maintaining a superficial relationship with an ex… the kind Afua described in her last post, made a lot more sense at this stage than in the next one.
In Quarter Life, when people are actually getting married,having kids and forming these intricate family/ friend relationships with their play groups and reading clubs for moms, it would seem really out of place to insert yourself in that situation at all. Like how does a conversation as a single woman sound when you are checking in with your ex who has three kids and is planning a family vacay? Surely the banter you cherished will be a little– distracted, no? Plus… there’s no chance of rekindling the flame at this point. Don’t let
bollywood nollywood hollywood fool you… we can’t all be The Good Wife.
So maybe Afua should amend her rules. No talking to exes who are married— with kids,
unless they can literally get you a meeting with the Obamas period. Because clearly folks go ham to protect their family unit… even if the main threat to the said unit— is an actual member of. the. said. unit. #noshade
My favorite part of this is how much people have been commenting on Afua’s insistence that the wife is a basic chick. I haven’t met her… and she is probably a lovely girl with many qualities that make her wifey material (hashtagcancook hashtagwifeytings). Furthermore, she is at least very committed to eliminating all threats at any cost… which is the sort of Ride or Die, thug lifeness that most men dream of… so I have heard. So at least she has that as a redeeming quality to her ‘basicness’… and she was the one he wifed… which threatens me to ask: is better than basic… better?
I mean… maybe at the end of the day even the most sophisticated of men don’t want that in a pairing. Perhaps having a women who, “…hasn’t traveled much or at all, hasn’t gone to university, she’s quiet, (very) young- there’s about ten years between the two of them, and she’s the seemingly shy and submissive type.” is a better long term investment. I had the most interesting conversation with two guys I work with. They were explaining that as folks who have experienced both US and GH living, they seem to be at war with themselves. On the one hand they want to be around someone who pushes them, challenges them and provokes them… but mostly they don’t want to come home to a two or three hour session on the latest in political economy. **guffaws**
Who is out here trying to give you three solid hours of political economy?! You get the point, Amma.
So here we are going in on the basic chick… but she is the one that has the quote ideal guy unquote to sleep next to every night, while Afua is left to her intermittent discussions of political economy once every six months.
Again… is better than basic really better?
Clearly a woman of more style, grace, class, wit, and sense would have avoided the aggressive text message in pursuit of a 3 hour long conversation with her husband about how the political economy of their household was bound to come crumbling down like the Roman Empire if he did not delete his ex’s facebook, twitter, phone number, instagram, snapchat, googleplus, email, and LinkedIn (what have we come to…!!). And perhaps the right response for the actual woman of style, grace, class, wit and sense is to just avoid all of the exes who hold no future value in terms of relationship and marital bliss.
But maybe… the real lesson here is that: being a basic ride-or-
kill die chick >>>> the better than basic chick– chick.