Month: January 2012

White Women.



PillowTalk’s new question has been up for about a week now on Bandeka, but it’s taken me a little bit to put together a piece to address the issue. Why? Because the topic of black men with other women white women isn’t the same topic as interracial dating for people black women, so the topic has to be treaded on delicately.

 Never have I ever seen a race of men who are so quick to date outside of their race as black men.

A couple weeks ago, I saw this piece announcing Michael Jordan’s engagement to his longtime girlfriend Yvete Prieto (a Cuban American model). There was nothing particularly exciting about the announcement, however I was floored entertained at the comments written by readers. They go on in a similar manner to the one I just quoted above:

“Sistas, let this be a wake up call to keep it movin and do what you need to do. Its obvious that we’re not considered worthy and have been hated by our own men for quite sometime…”


“There is nothing I can say that hasn’t been said already …Black men are sell outs, black women are jealous, love has no color…blah blah blah…”

“Et tu, Michael? Boy, what are there now, like 3 black women in the world so all those who are famous have to look to other races?”

At first, I did throw some judgment at the commenters- ‘haters, much?’, however when I recalled a conversation that I had with a friend a few months ago, I had to check myself. A few months ago, after seeing a picture of a successful African man that I admire a lot, I asked my friend if the white lady beside him was his wife. ‘Yes, that’s his wife’. My response was a sadden, ‘oh ok’. Not because I have anything against interracial marriages white women, not because I have anything bad to say about her personally, but because it’s becoming common to see powerful black men marrying outside of their race, and sue me, when I see a successful happily married black couple, I smile a little inside (if Obama’s wife was white, I wouldn’t feel the same way about the first couple). A friend put it quite reasonably to me, there are so few black men ‘at the top’, and white women have their pick of a much wider pool of white men every other type of man, so it stings more when they dip into our jar. [Read here why black women rarely date outside their race/white men: It also stings to be passed over by an eligible black man when he ‘makes it’ – statistics show that as black men increase their earnings and status, a larger percentage marry outside their race. So back to the first comment I referred to in this post, I do agree with it- I may be wrong, but I can’t think of any other race where men are so quick to date outside AND celebrate it. (Though this is probably one of the worst examples out there, see here).

Ladies, here’s some good perspective on things though: “While it may annoy you that a black man chooses to date outside his race, it’s also foolish to fixate on a segment of the population that clearly has no interest in you. If this same man chose to date black women, he may prefer them in a certain size, shape and color that you may not fit and he’d overlook you anyway.  So what’s really the difference?”* Perhaps instead of racking our brains as to why certain black men don’t want to be with black women, black women should just keep it moving and look for that person that wants to be with them.

It’s so easy to clump ‘blacks’ together as well, but there are differences between African Americans and Africans. I’m interested to know your thoughts on African men. Is this a phenomenon across the board for black men? Do you think African men tend to sideline African women for white women as their incomes increase or when they ‘make it’? From my experience, African men DATE white women, but MARRY them less; I’ve actually heard this from African men I know: ‘I’ll date white women, but it’s not like I would ever marry one.” Does that make African women feel better? Anyhoo POLL BELOW, let me know your thoughts… this should be an interesting one!

Make sure to check out White Women Part II


What You’re Putting in Your Mouth May Not be Good for Your Love Life

A Little Weekend Fun!

For some reason, whenever I travel to Africa I always drink a lot tonic water. It’s an odd desire because I don’t drink tonic water in the US nor do I have a desire for bitter tasting drinks in general. In any case, on my last trip to the continent a colleague decided to educate me on the bad side-effects of tonic water. Bad side effects? Yes. As he read off the list of side-effects of Quinine, or the flavoring agent in tonic water, my ears perked up as soon as he said, ‘lowers libido’…errrrmmm… glass down. ‘Hmm.. that could be a problem.’

So I started to google what foods and drinks lower a person’s libido, just for bandeka users myself. From the following websites: and , I pulled out a few items below.

1. Corn Flakes

Developed by Seventh-Day Adventists including Dr. John Harvey Kellogg, who thought a bland, sugarless, meatless breakfast would be the key to keeping down the urges.

2. Quinine (found in tonic water)

Quinine, used as a flavoring agent in tonic water, is naturally derived from the bark of the cinchona tree and has been used for centuries for its anti-malarial properties. Unfortunately, it has also been linked to lowering testosterone levels.

3. Soy

Soy Beans are very rich in a number of nutrients including protein and vitamins A and B… but eaten in excessive quantity, soy can also lower testosterone levels.

4. Mint

Mints and mint oils are flavored with menthol, which can reduce testosterone and, in general, “cool” off your body.

5. Graham Crackers

Developed by Sylvester Graham, a Presbyterian Minister in the 1820s. Graham had a similar thought process as Harvey *see number 1.

6. Licorice

Consumption of licorice has been linked to lower levels of testosterone in both genders. (Although, you’d probably have to eat almost an entire tub of it to do that).

The list is definitely not exhaustive, but some of the things kind of make you think twice, no? Make sure you really know what are the effects of your ‘good’ eats 🙂

Love Advice From Those Who Have Been There And Done That

One of our first blog posts, ‘The Secrets to Love…as told by some smart young kids’, continues to be one of the most popular among readers. I’m not sure if this is due to mere curiosity, or the fact that you all like to read the thoughts of innocent children who haven’t been corrupted by society yet. In any case, I came across this NYT article on advice from some smart ‘old’ kids, and I thought I would share 🙂  The article is based on a book, “30 Lessons for Living”, which offers practical advice on life from over 1,000 interviews with older Americans from various economic, educational, and vocational backgrounds. The author writes, “For far too many people, the learning [process] comes too late to help them avoid painful mistakes and decades of wasted time and effort. In recent years, or example, many talented young people have denied their true passions, choosing instead to pursue careers that promise fast and big monetary gains. High rates of divorce speak to an impulsiveness to marry and a tenuous commitment to vows of “till death do us part.” I’ve copied the piece on marriage below.

A satisfying marriage that lasts a lifetime is more likely to result when partners are fundamentally similar and share the same basic values and goals. Although romantic love initially brings most couples together, what keeps them together is an abiding friendship, an ability to communicate, a willingness to give and take, and a commitment to the institution of marriage as well as to each other.

An 89-year-old woman who was glad she stayed in her marriage even though her young husband’s behavior was adversely affected by his military service said, “Too many young people now are giving up too early, too soon.”

For more advice on love and marriage from the participants in the study, visit:

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