Author: Rambling Roommates

I’m Too Old for this

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I’ve heard the likes of this tweet verbalized A LOT lately. In relation to games, lies, flip flopping, and the general indecisiveness that can come with dating, the consensus has been:

“I’m [just] too old for this [behavior]”.

The interesting thing I’ve noticed about this statement is that nothing really has changed of the ‘(dating) game’ per se, just their our participation in it. I say ‘our’ because I can proudly add myself to that list of statement makers.
Indeed, I have my own ‘I’m too old for this’ story that I would like to tell on this here fine beautiful Monday in Accra. So let’s begin, shall we…
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03c9b5ead512b42c56c386b566e87039I met a guy a few months ago, who I immediately took a liking to. We started off slow but steady, developing a good
friendship and genuine enjoyment of one another’s company. The mutual attraction was growing and if I’m honest with myself it was the first time in a long time that I could see myself being with someone in a meaningful way long term, or as Amma put it one day, “Wow, you *really* like him, eh?”. *Shrug* I did. And this, you can say is a very hard thing to come by for me, hence her bewilderment. In any case, it would appear that just as things were beginning to grow roots the tree was abruptly and quite frankly, incomprehensibly uprooted. Yes… he ghosted.
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I feel like for the remainder of this story my words won’t give due justice to what happened, so how about I let someone else tell the story for me? Because when a male tweeter so graciously tells the story of mine and millions of other women so eloquently as was done on the twittersphere a couple weeks, you gotta let him do it. He (Mr. Nonprophet_) even graciously added in the opaque portions of the other (man’s) side of the story, which so often gets left out when I we women write retell rant. I must say that I love when men do mansplaining of dating, because it validates that we women aren’t crazy in some of the things we say, and it allows stories to be told without people pointing accusatory fingers at something the woman (supposedly) did wrong, or without them taking on an accusatory tone that the woman is telling the story from a bitter angle. So thank you, @Nonprophet_ . **Read to the end, RR – it’s a good read🙂
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I realize I am getting too old to be a ghost buster. No more time to be out here trying to chase the wind. And I am glad that @Nonprophet_  has shifted the onus of this struggle.

Let me know your thoughts! Did @Nonprophet_ just tell your recent (or not-so recent) story? Men, is this accurate?

Ciara-catures and Ayesha Curry Unicorns: Are you Steph enough?

I was listening to a podcast recently— The Africanist. It was a really good episode about spirituality. At the end of each episode, the all male panel have a very interesting segment called “Respect or Nah” where they decide whether or not a current event is worthy of their respect… or nah. In this case, the event was Russell Wilson’s engagement to Ciara and the hosts were debating whether or not they respected Russell’s decision to wife Ciara. I winced numerous times during the conversation, but what really killed me was the way in which Ayesha Curry was put up against Ciara in this epic battle of ‘worthiness of marriage’. *Sigh* 


So here’s what Ciara’s caricature looks like:

  • Man eating whore with a child, thereby proving her whoredom…
  • Sleeps with rappers
  • Other things whores do, because she has a child out of wed lock so she is one— a whore that is (…pure logic)

 

Here’s what Ayesha Curry’s caricature looks like:rs_634x951-151030173738-634.Ayesha-Curry.ms.103015

  • Christian
  • Modest
  • All around good girl
  • And she’s “bad”
  • Mother, wife, cheerleader, supporter, comforter, friend
  • Not. a. whore.

 

 

 

After they had built these two caricatures, a majority, if not all, of the members of the podcast agreed that they all wanted— NAY — deserved an Ayesha Curry. LOL! Imagine!

So I first had to ask them (as I was driving and speaking with a slightly elevated voice at my iPhone): Are you Stephan Curry?!?!

In case you are confused by the question, here’s how to know if you are:

      • En route to becoming/ currently are a millionaire before your 30th birthday?
      • Attended Christian youth group meetings in high school?
      • Willing to be with one girl during your college years (at a time when you could have literally had every single girl in the world)?
      • Willing to marry *that* same girl at a time when you are en route to becoming a legend in whatever your field of human endeavor?
      • Confident in yourself and your life trajectory by the age of 23?
      • Working tirelessly at your giftings and craft?
      • Generally indifferent about the need to consistently get a shape up for public appearances?

It is VERY likely that of the aforementioned criteria, you maaaaaaybe fit half  a third one of them… And that is the one about your hair line (because we are all doing the whole Wknd, beard gang, no shape up life these days, so yeah…)  And so how horrible would I be to say that because you don’t fit the standards listed above, you should never be able to wife an Ayesha (whatever that even means…)? But that’s what people have done to Ciara. So maybe Future was a bad partner… And unfortunately she did have his child, but should she not get to be with an “alleged” good guy like Russell Wilson because of that? Because the truth of the matter is, that if I am employing the same logic to the guys on the podcast (and those that share their same sentiments), I am almost 300% certain that you all are or were in fact a Ciara-cature (as we shall call it from this point forward), so how come you deserve an ‘Ayesha’?

unnamed (1)This then leads me to my next question: Weren’t you a Ciara-cature all through your 20’s? *Pause and reflect*. Some time back, Afua wrote a post about being the girl who comes right before a guy has his ‘come to Jesus’ moment. It’s this idea that guys can go out into the world and demolish hearts and minds and souls and bodies— and then rise from the ashes they have created and ‘rightfully’ marry a Michelle Obama of their choosing. The issue is that men don’t have to carry the physical manifestations of a one night stand gone wrong (aka pregnancy). And some can even have children and be so distant from them that it’s as if they do not have them at all. In essence, a guy’s sexual history isn’t necessarily on display if they don’t have the children to show for it.

Real Queen of Dragons

I hate the Ciara-cature that has been created, because after all, anyone could get pregnant when having sex. And everyone has a relationship with characters they are ashamed of. But unlike the Reggie Bush’s, Ray J’s and Chris Humphries of the world, they can move on in their lives from those shameful exes. Just because Ciara was impregnated by her shameful past of a boyfriend in a public setting doesn’t make her any different from many young people just ‘relationshipping’ today (minus the million dollar ring and private island vacations and all). In fact, in the most recent issue of Essence magazine, Ciara had some really interesting things to say about her past and her commitment to her faith and moving on from her mistakes. If nothing else, she has learned not to lower her standard and to focus on herself and child. Who wouldn’t want to be with someone who is resilient and focused and a better person because of the choices they’ve made. Isn’t that the height of maturity?!

Ride or Die goals… or nah?

So then men people will say, well what I love about Ayesha is how ride- or- die she is. And it’s not really just about her modesty, but it’s about the fact that she stans for her man. *four. drawn. out. slow. claps* WOW. Have you not met your mother? Or your aunties? Or cousins? Living on the continent where polyamory is still very much the order of the day? How much did our mothers have to put up with in the way of disrespect? And they stuck it through… Some even managed to make it through the mid life crisis periods where their husbands had not one, but two small girl(friend)s. How much more loyal does that get? People idolize Ayesha’s commitment and fangirling of her husband as if she’s the first and best to ever do it. Thing is, it’s undeniably clear that if Steph wasn’t who he was, she probably couldn’t be to him what she is [if in doubt about what that is, revisit the ‘Are you Steph Curry’ questions above]. It’s interesting because I find that when guys speak of the “ride- or- die chick” here, they mean someone who will allow them to do be… Whoever they want all the time with little care for your feelings and expectations. How does this even compare? And so the question here is– why should I ride or die for you? Because if you are the Future to my Ciara-cature then how is that even fair? And people think Future’s cheating and lying and general uselessness is the only way to be a Future-cature (too much? I know lol!). But it’s also about your (lack of) sense of self, drive and ambitions, dedication to building a strong family— where are these sensibilities?

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#dudesbelike

So let’s say you have asked yourself all of these questions, and you think— I am still a decent guy, so I deserve an Ayesha. My last and final question is a nod to the following point: many of the guys making these comments would have preferred a Ciara-cature in their prime than an Ayesha. So then I have to ask: Would you have dated an Ayesha at the time that Steph dated her? Cuz there were MAD 19 year old Ayeshas with braces and Bibles in college that you turned out or turned down. Remember?? *Pause and reflect.*

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Oh aight.

Here’s the thing.  

I like Ayesha Curry.

She’s made it cool to be this super corny cute chick that values modesty and a good lip sync moment. She’s committed to her values and she loves her family. She’s taken a stand and she’s unashamed. That being said, Ayesha Curry’s exist en masse… like pressed down, shaken together, running over abundance! But. What. The. World. Needs. More. Of. Are. The. Stephs.

So if you are a man out in the world and believe you ‘deserve’ an Ayesha Curry, consider your role in your current Ayesha-less reality… and leave the Ciara-catures out of your analysis. Because what everyone deserves is to be with someone who is trying to be the best version of themselves… and that could look like Ciara or Ayesha— if you’re a Russell or Steph, that is.  

What are your thoughts? Sound off below!

Maybe it’s time to get my swirl on

As we get older and (hopefully) become more self aware, we start questioning some belief systems that we’ve held on to for seemingly no reason. And this can’t be more true than my feelings for white men, well let me say ‘non-black’ men.

.             .            .

Like it is in many aspects of my life, when it rains, it generally pours, and the idea of being open to non-black men has been pouring down like Accra torrential rains.

Comments far and wide:

Sometimes Afua you have to just choose happiness, even if it comes in a different package pigment.

Sometimes you can’t wait for the black man to get their act together, there’s too few of them to choose from.” See interesting clip from the show Being Mary Jane on why even the ‘good’ brothers can be problematic. But I digress, let’s keep going…

“For what you’re looking for, you’re probably going to have to cast your net wider, and by wider I mean… Non-Ghanaian, scratch that, non-African, scratch that, I mean non-black.”

…hmmm that’s awkward.

So you don’t think I can get my ‘unassuming thoughtful gentleman, progressive in thought about gender roles in the house, Jesus-loving, Bawse in the board room but isn’t afraid to let me shine and is supportive’ man in the same pigment as I?

*Long Deep Sigh*

.             .            .

If we take a little trip down memory lane,  pre-college era, I was all about non-black men. Blame it on my surroundings (much of that time was spent growing up in Canada… eh), but there just weren’t many black men period. Think about having five black kids in my school at one point, two being me and my sistren sigh. Now add in having a connection to them. So to say it was slim pickings would be the understatement of the century. Moving to the US in the middle of high school and then going to college in the US opened my eyes to a whole new world: Black men ‘like me’! As in coming from a similar background… Whether African or not, they had similar family values and educational consciousness. Eureka, I had struck gold! However, as time has gone by I’m realizing this pool of men are still… Just. Men. And that ‘gold’ still needs refining.

Even moving to the continent now. One would think I would have struck even more gold, particularly among the returnee crowd, but Lord only knows what’s been our My Experience. So the million dollar question becomes ‘what happens if what you’re looking for ISN’T looking for you?’ Whether it’s because they’re already married, they don’t actually exist, or are attracted to a different type of woman (white women, less career-oriented women, more traditional women, younger women? [slot in any and everything else I’m not]). Welt, if you’re not the person the person you’re looking for is looking for then perhaps it could be time to change what you’re looking for *shrug*. And I think we singles have heard this general piece of advice several times over (particularly as we inch closer and closer to 30). However, I think we’ve always assumed this means scaling down on the character asks, and not changing the color of a person’s outside shell.

.             .            .

I love black men. And if y’all have any doubts from my posts, let me say it again: I. Love. Black. Men. I don’t think there’s anything more sexy than a strong black man taking care of his business, loving his family and serving his God. However, if *that* man isn’t checking for me, maybe it’s time I switch out the packaging and maybe get my swirl on! eyes-emoji cheese

Now there are so many considerations while making this sort of declaration (publicly).
Image result for swirl interracial dating

First off: I must admit I do not even know the first thing about being with a white man Raise-Your-Hand. Yes yes, I’ve had this conversation with a few ppl in the last few weeks, and the first response is ‘duh men are men, it’s the same as being with a black man’, but hold up one minute. Hold on. It’s NOT the same. Can me and a white guy talk about the same stuff, freely? Listen to the same things, go the same places… freely? Hmmm, honestly speaking I don’t even know anything about the initial step: how do you flirt with a white man? And I know y’all are laughing (or completely side-eying me), but I’m dead serious. How do I know if a white man is flirting with me?!? *eyes look left, eyes look right* I mean I’ve met white guys that I found attractive inside and out, but I never really knew what they thought of me. It’s more so because every positive vibe I get from a non-black man is cataloged as friends-vibe. Maybe it’s because my eyes aren’t even open to the possibility that a white man would be checking for me mixed with a combination of me not putting out (non-verbal) vibes that I’m into white men.

And this is all just real talk, RR.

Some other serious considerations include: ‘How do I know it’s not a weird black girl fetish thing that’s going on?’ point Remember, I live in Africa and the pool from which you’re working with in terms of white men generally goes as follows: “the short term contractor; the short term or (sometimes weird) long term development type- who lives a transient lifestyle…” Overall there’s a general ‘passing through’ or I’m a little-off vibe I get with them here. You don’t just get your regular ol’ guy living and working in Africa, but I just happen to be white- vibe. no offense.

Another consideration is family and culture. And I’m not talking about mine, because Praise the Almighty on High that I have a progressive family who even for the majority of my life thought I would end up with a white boy. They don’t see any issue with marrying outside of ones race. However, it’s the general culture here that poses issues. One, when you see a mixed race couple in these parts, with the woman being black, it’s a certain type of relationship… Of more the transactional nature than true ”mutual’ love. Secondly, I’m outsider. And I’ve been fighting it forever ‘me y3 ghanaiani!’*, but I’ve now come to terms with it that I. am. culturally. an. outsider. Even though my name is Afua, my default thought process is not that of a typical Ghanaian. As such, I’ve desired to marry someone who isn’t a complete outsider like me. It’s stupid and probably childish, but I’m just being real…. Sue me.

I’m not sure if y’all watched the Being Mary Jane season 3 finale [Spoiler Alert Ahead]. However, when she breaks up with her white boyfriend, she says the ultra real words of: “I don’t want to have to explain everything to you.” And that is so real. And for me we’re not just talking about ‘black issues’, we’re talking of the African/Ghanaian ones too. I remember a few Christmases ago we were at a family friend’s place and their daughter, a woman with a very similar profile to me, had brought home her white husband. Cool. He was chill. We had no issues with him as he tried his best to welcome all aspects of our Ghanaian culture. But I distinctly remember a conversation everyone was having in the living room one day and I remember every few seconds she having to whisper some subtle explanation of what was going on. It’s whenever I think about that, that I’m just like…

… I… Just…

…  …  ….  I…  … Just

                                              Can’t.

Chale… Me sef**… Half the time I’M the outsider needing explaining of why this is rude in Ghana; why we have to do this as protocol, even though it makes no God awful sense; why respect and traditionalism is more important than efficiency or doing the most logical thing… #butthatsnoneofmybusiness …
So to now come bring you an outsider into my plight. …I …Just… can’t… *deep sigh*
I mean is it wrong to want to be with someone who doesn’t need explaining along with me?

I think I’ll stop things here for now. I want to know if y’all have any thoughts for me, RR. Do you agree with anything I’ve said, or do you have advice on how all my insignificant items of concern are probably holding back my entire quest for true love? Or perhaps you want to tell me that I should move to Europe, which apparently is the new mecca for black girls wanting good white men… and I’m not joking, see here, here, and here.

*Translation of twi phrase: I’m Ghanaian

**Translation of pigeon phrase: Me myself

That moment you realize you’re down with the swirl- I love this clip from Facebook.

 

Return of the Mac: An African City is BACK!

IT’S BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Happy-Dance-GIF

Last week, I had the privilege of moderating the panel following the screening of one of the episode of An African City Season 2. This was quite exciting for me as I had already written a post about what I hoped to see in the next season. We have all been counting down and waiting patiently, wondering if we were going to get snubbed like how Frank Ocean did us with that follow up album (…still waiting…). Thankfully, the hour has come and we can all live vicariously through the lives of our favorite returnee ladies in An African City.


At the Screening that took place, hosted by the phenomenal organization She Leads Africa, I was able to ask some interesting questions of Nicole Amarteifio (Creator), Maame Adjei (Actress/ Co- Producer) and Esther Armah (Writing Consultant). My favorite was understanding the evolution of the show in terms of financing, character development and growth, and some of the thinking that went into the story lines. But I think what stuck with me the most was the ‘start-up’ nature of it all. This idea that people, many of whom were not actresses or writers or creatives in their professional lives, had evolved and come together behind this vision. The idea that everyone was sort of feeling their way in the dark, and along the way, gaining some light and growing and reflecting that in the product that we were seeing. Following the event, I just had to ensure I ordered my season because, well, I believe in being a foundation builder. I also believe, in a world where #oscarssowhite can trend for weeks on end, there is something to be said about African women writing their own stories and seeing the entire production undergo this creative metamorphosis in the public eye. All of this under the umbrella of the work being done by She Leads Africa to empower women to be entrepreneurs in their own right, whether that’s being innovative on the job or branching out and being better for yourself.

After all of this woman power, hear me roar-ness… I, being the support-and-uplift type of sister that I am (yup… bragging on myself… get like me), purchased my season and watched the first episode with my friends. I have to say, I was not disappointed. I laughed. I side eyed. I related. I thoroughly enjoyed myself. It is evident that there will be a lot of character development because we are getting a chance to see their lives outside of hanging with each other. We are seeing them at work, at church… in the bedroom, and we are watching them interact with co-workers, drivers, and family.

 

Had to screen shot this fine, FINE brotha.. God bless his Mama.

What I’m also excited about is the social commentary on returnee living beyond just narrating their lives. This includes a line that I fully appreciate:

In America, one drop of black makes you black. But in Ghana, one western experience makes people question your Ghanaianess.

This is the realist thing I never wrote and I appreciate the direction of that discussion. Anyone could be a returnee depending on who you are talking to, how you are talking and what you are talking about. I also think this is a theme that comes up in various ways… this negotiation of one’s identity in various circumstances living on the continent. I could write a whole thesis on the subject but I’m pretty sure the world would rather watch a 20 minute episode instead, #YouTubeGenerationtinz.

In any case, I can’t wait to see where the season goes. Have you purchased your season’s pass? C’mon… Support and uplift ya’ll!

Tell us your thoughts on the first episode of Season 2? Did it live up to expectations?  #soundoff in the comments!

Single and Ready to Mingle: Lakeside Edition

DATING IN ACCRA

So Accra is one of those places where the idea of speed dating or hosting singles mixers can be such a turnoff for many guys people. Folks don’t like the idea of seeking love with any intentionality because it makes them feel desperate thirsty obsessed. But if there is anything we have learned from all the “Thirty Ways to Find Love” or “How to Meet The Perfect Guy in 8 days” or  “Six Memes that Perfectly Explain How You Can Get On Kim Kardashians Level and Marry Every Type of Black Celebrity Possible” lists that you get from your single/dating/married friends/Pastors wife/Concerned Parents/Divorced Aunty, then it’s the idea of being purposeful and availing yourself to opportunities to meet great people. And yet people find themselves— men and women mind you— complaining about the poor quality of options, or the seemingly small nature of the Accra social circles or the limited number of events available to really meet new, fun, worldly, exposed, chocolatey, tall people.

Enter: The Lakeside Affair 2015

Lakeside Affair Picture

This event promises to be a low key, casual fun- filled getaway by Lake Bosomtwe in Kumasi at the beautiful Wildwin Resort. If you you have never visited the Lake or Kumasi for that matter, this is the perfect opportunity to get to know a new setting, a new set of practices and cultures— and a new set of people.

There are a number of really interesting activities to choose from like horseback riding adinkra stamping— and of course: play cards and chill (my personal favorite). I like the idea of being able to see a new place with new people entering a new year. There’s definitely something refreshing about this, and I appreciate the effort that went into making this event convey that glimmer of hope in a see of Waldos.

I actually got the chance to interview Rita Kusi, founder of Three Sixty GH, on the Mpwrshow and she gave us all the details on what went into developing such a trip. We also got to talk about some of the challenges of getting folks to sign up and joked about the imbalance of these kinds of events with women being more open to patronage than men. While neither Afua nor I will be able to attend, we look forward to hearing about what went down. Of course they say, what happens at Lakeside… stays at Lakeside— but there’s no such thing as a secret between two people (at least not in this here Accra). <insert evil laughter here>

Be sure to watch this space to hear more about the event, and visit Three Sixty GH if you are interested in signing up. There may be a couple of spaces left, though things always fill up toward the tail end.

So have any of you ever attended a ‘Lakeside Affair’- esque event before? What were your thoughts? Do you think these kind of ‘intentional’ gatherings are any good or do they seem contrived? What kind of event would you go to if you were single and ready to meet some great people in Ghana? 

Sound off in the comments! We want to hear from you…

September [Take a man on a date month] was an utter fail – Afua’s Version

Read Amma’s experience HERE.


I didn’t even want to recount the failures of the last month, but they were so triumphant and true that I couldn’t let y’all miss out on the goodies.

. . .

Am: ‘We have to do it.’

Af: ‘Do what?’

Am: ‘September, take a man on a date month.’

Af: ‘Is that a thing? …Like movember when men don’t shave their faces?’

Am: ‘I dunno. But we have to do it. It’ll be a fun challenge, and we have a ton of events this month so there will be plenty of opportunities to meet people. And then we can blog about it. Write about what it feels like to be on the other side- the anxieties/ fears of doing the asking.’

Af: ‘Ok… Do it for the blog fun challenge.’

. . .

Alrighty so context is set. And by the title you already know how things ended. So let’s get into the meat- the deets.

Welllllll, Amma didn’t do anything. And by anything, I mean not one ask and I don’t believe even one attempt at finding someone to ask, but please Amma chime in if I dey lie bad. Ahem.

For me, I dunno whether to laugh or cry. I did go on a …thing. I dunno what to call it, because it occurred in the strangest of circumstances. I was asked by a friend to take him on a date. However, the date ended with him inquiring who and who would be a good fit for me, and why I wasn’t dating them. #confused? Ya, so was I. But I don’t want to discuss the colossal fail that was that date thing. What I’m here to discuss is the utter fail that was every other attempt to go on a date in September.

I met 4 new guys over the last month who I got along with upon first meet. See definition of got along with: good/interesting conversation with just the right amount of flirtation. You’d think four is a hefty number, and you would be right. It can be is already difficult to find people interesting in these parts, so 4 in a month is a HEFTY number. But watch the bait and switch played on me: EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM WAS MARRIED! Whether they mentioned wifey or not in the conversation (3 did), whether wifey lived in Ghana or not (2 did not), whether they wore a ring or not (2 did not), whether they were overtly availing themselves to an affair or just having an overly friendly conversation which I just couldn’t pick up on (2 definitely definitely were the former), it didn’t matter because at the end of the day THEY WERE ALL MARRIED. And for the simple fact that being married is a non starter for me, we can confidently say that September was indeed a fail.

Aside from the fact that I’m more about trying to be the right person versus actively looking for the right person these days, this was still kind of a useful exercise. At the very least, it taught me I need to work on my married man-(ra)dar lol… And more importantly, it taught me that if you don’t go out, you won’t meet people. And that’s some biblical Rhema right there, huh? But seriously, in the last month I’ve gone out to more house parties, weddings, birthday parties and other get togethers than I have in a while, and I”ve realized ‘hey, guess what? I don’t know every newly landed or been-here-for-a-minute Ghanaian in Accra’.

If you’re just in your house expecting to meet new people, that’s not a winning strategy, my dears. I mean I do believe oldladyin miracles, but if the Spirit hasn’t led you to stay at home and knit scarfs, welt then it’s time to get off the couch and get out more. And I’m not talking about clubbing… I’m talking about events where you can actually speak with people in a chill (sober) manner. So I guess not all was lost for this experiment, y’all can take this small piece of advice from the failures of last month.

So cheers to the freakn’ month of September!
September

September [Take a Man on a Date Month] Was an Utter Fail- Amma’s Version

For Afua’s version, click here!

September

September is a month, chock full of commemorations : Alopecia Awareness Month (USA), National Guide Dog Month (USA), National Honey Month, and National Life Insurance Awareness Month (USA) to name just a few (no really, google it, you’ll be surprised!). As important as these causes are, Afua and I chose to commemorate September with the lesser known internationally- acclaimed and UN approved: Take a Man on a Date Month.

Let me just say, I have never (purposely) asked a man out on a date.

It is one of those burdens of gender inequality that I am an active proponent of just very content with.

So September was ‘Take-a-man-on-a-date’ month (stop asking questions about whether this is an official, internationally recognized designation and focus! Yes— I stole this from instagram. Leave me!)…and I was forced to try. I was forced to consider what it would take to get a total stranger to agree to spend money on me (cuz yeah I’ll ask but I aint payin bruh… *all the side eyes*). At first, this seemed like a great idea. In my mind, September would unfold like this:

A whirlwind of chance events—weddings, get- together’s, day parties— would create the

perfect opportunities to lock eyes with the only

tall, dark, Ashanti, Christian, masters level educated man with impressive hip hop knowledge

that I had not already met in the

very teenie tiny Accra social circles that I was used to

This was clearly going to be this great story to tell on the Wedding day

About how I never expected it at all

But then somehow

I waltzed into love, one random Saturday afternoon in September

(I love love… remember?)

That, my friend, is not how it went at all.

I mean.

Not. Even. A. Little. Bit.

First of all, the rules were that:

  1. We could not ask someone with whom we already had a situationshippy thing happening
  2. We had to be explicit about asking them on a date, and not try to make a chance meeting seem like something we planned
  3. We had to do it by 30th of September

Secondly, I failed.

Not only did I not find anyone that I wanted to ask out on a date, but I also frightened myself in the process. I started getting really nervous about how exactly I would be able to ask in a way that didn’t make me seem like the greatest thirst bucket of life. And between not meeting anyone (initially) and being scared of the idea of meeting someone, I gained a completely new respect for men.

I am leaving this with a completely new appreciation for men having to do a lot of the asking. First off, you need to think about how you make the encounter seem smooth and non- creepsicle. If you see a girl somewhere in the room, how do you make your way over to her and speak to her without it clearly just being about the fact that you find her attractive. Does that even matter? Maybe the fact of the matter is, you just should walk over to her and let her know you find her attractive, and while you know nothing about her, you hope that this initial observation will open the door to reveal further details about her that is attractive. And then there are a number of very real, very petrifying logistical issues that must be hashed out as well:

But what if she is standing with friends?

What if she is in a mixed crowd?

What if she is the center of attention in this crowd and taking that initial step will draw attention to the fact that you are trying to get in her pants hit and quit have a meaningful relationship that could lead to marriage?

And the last bit of the final question is also, ultimately, what made it difficult for me to ask someone. I definitely placed a lot of emphasis on making a meaningful connection, and I just didn’t feel like I met someone with whom that could be possible. This seems absurd (in retrospect), because really what were the metrics I was using to make this decision? Looks. Not just attractiveness but also perceived personality traits, ie ‘OMG he uses Siri. Who uses Siri on purpose?! He is clearly a serial killer that logs his kills in some audio recorded format and then turns them into subliminal messages that get laced into popular rap songs. Ew.’ You can clearly see how the weight of the ask and the factors that go into deciding on the ask are clearly misaligned. This also contributed to my big, fat zero asks.

To be fair…  I did not meet anyone for most of September but in the last week, I attended an event that required a lot of dressing up and showing out. I met a number of people and there was someone that I considered asking out. Then I chickened out… because the person was TOO embedded in my social networks for me to be all adventurous. Basically, I was not trying to put pride aside to look dumb in front of all my friends.

So to sum it up: I didn’t meet anyone until the final days of the challenge and I was too image conscious to ask someone I may have been interested in because— sisters over misters social networks pride.

Image result for asking a guy out

My aspirational self… of course!

Even though I failed, there is still hope for others. I recently went on an outing with a number of women, a few of whom were single. Over the course of the conversation this challenge came up, and I explained my experience. After the usual barrage of ‘is this a real holiday’, ‘where’s the federal license for this holiday’, ‘you celebrate instagram holidays?!’ (YES!)… the women seemed to take interest in joining in and have since accepted the challenge. Hopefully we will hear some juicy stories from them. *crosses fingers*. Maybe they will be bosses at asking guys out, and I will look on with utter jealousy as they walk into their happily ever after. Maybe not. Time will tell.

All I know is, September was a fail… but November— who can tell?

So tell me, have you ever asked a guy out? What was the experience? Would you do it again? 

Afua had quite an interesting experience— I would say more of a failure on the part of married men not wearing wedding rings. But you can read more here.

***This blog post will also be featured on the website Obaasema.com, a life-style e-zine for the fashion forward, go-getter woman of African and her diaspora. Check out the website and get connected. Stay up-to-date on everything African- inspired!