Young Love

Ciara-catures and Ayesha Curry Unicorns: Are you Steph enough?

I was listening to a podcast recently— The Africanist. It was a really good episode about spirituality. At the end of each episode, the all male panel have a very interesting segment called “Respect or Nah” where they decide whether or not a current event is worthy of their respect… or nah. In this case, the event was Russell Wilson’s engagement to Ciara and the hosts were debating whether or not they respected Russell’s decision to wife Ciara. I winced numerous times during the conversation, but what really killed me was the way in which Ayesha Curry was put up against Ciara in this epic battle of ‘worthiness of marriage’. *Sigh* 

So here’s what Ciara’s caricature looks like:

  • Man eating whore with a child, thereby proving her whoredom…
  • Sleeps with rappers
  • Other things whores do, because she has a child out of wed lock so she is one— a whore that is (…pure logic)


Here’s what Ayesha Curry’s caricature looks

  • Christian
  • Modest
  • All around good girl
  • And she’s “bad”
  • Mother, wife, cheerleader, supporter, comforter, friend
  • Not. a. whore.




After they had built these two caricatures, a majority, if not all, of the members of the podcast agreed that they all wanted— NAY — deserved an Ayesha Curry. LOL! Imagine!

So I first had to ask them (as I was driving and speaking with a slightly elevated voice at my iPhone): Are you Stephan Curry?!?!

In case you are confused by the question, here’s how to know if you are:

      • En route to becoming/ currently are a millionaire before your 30th birthday?
      • Attended Christian youth group meetings in high school?
      • Willing to be with one girl during your college years (at a time when you could have literally had every single girl in the world)?
      • Willing to marry *that* same girl at a time when you are en route to becoming a legend in whatever your field of human endeavor?
      • Confident in yourself and your life trajectory by the age of 23?
      • Working tirelessly at your giftings and craft?
      • Generally indifferent about the need to consistently get a shape up for public appearances?

It is VERY likely that of the aforementioned criteria, you maaaaaaybe fit half  a third one of them… And that is the one about your hair line (because we are all doing the whole Wknd, beard gang, no shape up life these days, so yeah…)  And so how horrible would I be to say that because you don’t fit the standards listed above, you should never be able to wife an Ayesha (whatever that even means…)? But that’s what people have done to Ciara. So maybe Future was a bad partner… And unfortunately she did have his child, but should she not get to be with an “alleged” good guy like Russell Wilson because of that? Because the truth of the matter is, that if I am employing the same logic to the guys on the podcast (and those that share their same sentiments), I am almost 300% certain that you all are or were in fact a Ciara-cature (as we shall call it from this point forward), so how come you deserve an ‘Ayesha’?

unnamed (1)This then leads me to my next question: Weren’t you a Ciara-cature all through your 20’s? *Pause and reflect*. Some time back, Afua wrote a post about being the girl who comes right before a guy has his ‘come to Jesus’ moment. It’s this idea that guys can go out into the world and demolish hearts and minds and souls and bodies— and then rise from the ashes they have created and ‘rightfully’ marry a Michelle Obama of their choosing. The issue is that men don’t have to carry the physical manifestations of a one night stand gone wrong (aka pregnancy). And some can even have children and be so distant from them that it’s as if they do not have them at all. In essence, a guy’s sexual history isn’t necessarily on display if they don’t have the children to show for it.

Real Queen of Dragons

I hate the Ciara-cature that has been created, because after all, anyone could get pregnant when having sex. And everyone has a relationship with characters they are ashamed of. But unlike the Reggie Bush’s, Ray J’s and Chris Humphries of the world, they can move on in their lives from those shameful exes. Just because Ciara was impregnated by her shameful past of a boyfriend in a public setting doesn’t make her any different from many young people just ‘relationshipping’ today (minus the million dollar ring and private island vacations and all). In fact, in the most recent issue of Essence magazine, Ciara had some really interesting things to say about her past and her commitment to her faith and moving on from her mistakes. If nothing else, she has learned not to lower her standard and to focus on herself and child. Who wouldn’t want to be with someone who is resilient and focused and a better person because of the choices they’ve made. Isn’t that the height of maturity?!

Ride or Die goals… or nah?

So then men people will say, well what I love about Ayesha is how ride- or- die she is. And it’s not really just about her modesty, but it’s about the fact that she stans for her man. *four. drawn. out. slow. claps* WOW. Have you not met your mother? Or your aunties? Or cousins? Living on the continent where polyamory is still very much the order of the day? How much did our mothers have to put up with in the way of disrespect? And they stuck it through… Some even managed to make it through the mid life crisis periods where their husbands had not one, but two small girl(friend)s. How much more loyal does that get? People idolize Ayesha’s commitment and fangirling of her husband as if she’s the first and best to ever do it. Thing is, it’s undeniably clear that if Steph wasn’t who he was, she probably couldn’t be to him what she is [if in doubt about what that is, revisit the ‘Are you Steph Curry’ questions above]. It’s interesting because I find that when guys speak of the “ride- or- die chick” here, they mean someone who will allow them to do be… Whoever they want all the time with little care for your feelings and expectations. How does this even compare? And so the question here is– why should I ride or die for you? Because if you are the Future to my Ciara-cature then how is that even fair? And people think Future’s cheating and lying and general uselessness is the only way to be a Future-cature (too much? I know lol!). But it’s also about your (lack of) sense of self, drive and ambitions, dedication to building a strong family— where are these sensibilities?



So let’s say you have asked yourself all of these questions, and you think— I am still a decent guy, so I deserve an Ayesha. My last and final question is a nod to the following point: many of the guys making these comments would have preferred a Ciara-cature in their prime than an Ayesha. So then I have to ask: Would you have dated an Ayesha at the time that Steph dated her? Cuz there were MAD 19 year old Ayeshas with braces and Bibles in college that you turned out or turned down. Remember?? *Pause and reflect.*

IMG_6810 (1)

Oh aight.

Here’s the thing.  

I like Ayesha Curry.

She’s made it cool to be this super corny cute chick that values modesty and a good lip sync moment. She’s committed to her values and she loves her family. She’s taken a stand and she’s unashamed. That being said, Ayesha Curry’s exist en masse… like pressed down, shaken together, running over abundance! But. What. The. World. Needs. More. Of. Are. The. Stephs.

So if you are a man out in the world and believe you ‘deserve’ an Ayesha Curry, consider your role in your current Ayesha-less reality… and leave the Ciara-catures out of your analysis. Because what everyone deserves is to be with someone who is trying to be the best version of themselves… and that could look like Ciara or Ayesha— if you’re a Russell or Steph, that is.  

What are your thoughts? Sound off below!

On Why You Should Change for Your Man

photo (1)“Don’t let anyone change you”

“Your partner should love you for who you are… as you are…”

“You can’t enter into a relationship with the idea of changing your partner… if you can’t love them as they are, then you don’t deserve them forever”

Raise your hand if you have heard one or more of these before…

I certainly have. It’s easy to believe that change, when explicitly requested in a relationship, can be bad. Often this conclusion is a result of deciding that when change is requested, nay, required, it is somehow an attack on who you are as a person— like a direct hit to your identity. Then the idea of changing at the request of someone who should love you as you are, feels contrived… almost like “Was this your plan all along? To woo me and then force me to transform to suit your fancy”?!?!

But sometimes changing for your partner… and for the health of your relationship is good.

Let’s look at Ginuwine.

As he said back in the day… even though he may be on TV, he is in fact the same ol’ G.  Fast forward to 2014, him and his wife are fighting on instagram as he foolishly posted a picture of their daughter with a caption implying she was a stripper— or whatever. I mean, I wonder how much Sole was telling him, “Babe, you actually can not be the same ol’ G… you should find a new G status to acquire that includes not being so faded on television that you are slurring your words in a live performance.” Perhaps if Ginuwine was a new Ol’ G, his marriage would be in a better place (and even maybe his career). ginuwine

Perhaps that example is egregious… because he should obviously change for his own good. But so… is that the standard? If your partner requires certain changes of you before you can move along in the relationship, is it ok as long as these changes are constructive? What if they seem constructive to your partner but may not be to you (as in, they are not destructive but you don’t find them particularly valuable)? Is it unfair of you to acquiesce and are you doomed to a life of sadness if you do? Will all your friends judge you and say you’re whipped?

I remember casually dating a guy in college that had been a childhood frenemy (I hated him until I was like 18… on everything, I wished death upon his life twice.) The fact that we were even casually dating was a feat. He was very headstrong, and I was very dogged in my beliefs, but we somehow clicked. I remember we had this long conversation about trust and what it means to really be vulnerable and show affection. He would always say that I was so hard. I thought I was doing really well with my smiley faces and the fact that I made a lot of time to talk to him. Over time, I became increasingly comfortable with him but I was still guarded. When it came time to go back to school, I told him straight up that I knew that this relationship was going to wither into the wind because we were in different time zones (Cali love #noTuPac) and he was a guy… so… we shouldn’t fool ourselves. He said we should just see what happens, and stay connected. I obliged. We tried to stay in contact but the time zone difference was killing us softly. I knew this would happen. I remember telling him that I knew this would happen. Even though we knew the time zone factor was an issue, he said it came back to me being an ice queen “hard”:

“You can’t ever just say how you feel Amma. If you miss me, tell  me you miss me. Don’t be afraid to be affectionate. I mean yeah, we always seem to be busy but you’re just not vulnerable”

“How can I be vulnerable when you are never around!?” I thought… crying on the inside but maintaining my nonplussed attitude on the outside. If he couldn’t handle my love…well… then… good riddance.

Fast forward ten years later, and in a number of relationships I have received a similar critique. It could be the case that I just attract these really soft, romantic types that do not reflect the archetype of the hard, emotionless African man I understood. Or it could be that I was in fact an African man Ice Queen. Upon realizing that the latter was closer to the truth (though the former is not mutually exclusive), I decided maybe I should try something different. Maybe I should change.

Here’s the thing… none of my friends take issue with my “lack of affection”— neither do any of my family members. They all love me as I am, and completely accept the way I show love (read: smiley faces and acts of service). Any changes I would make, therefore, in my propensity to show affection, would be at the strict request of the person I was dating. Thus: I would, in fact, be changing, for my man. Setting pride and ego aside and looking at this as purely wanting to make sure the person I am with is happy, one would be hard-pressed to find fault with my actions. Furthermore, these changes do not make me less “me”… in the ways that people know my character and general sensibilities. Yet, talking to friends about it… even in the abstract is often met with hesitance. “If you start now, will it ever end… what else will you have to change… blah blah blah”…

Most people understand that change is inevitable.

No one really expects to be the same ol’ G forever… but I think people take issue with the change being done for someone else, as opposed to for yourself. But what is really wrong with that? Am I less independent? less intelligent? less— anything because of it? And if the changes don’t make me unhappy (though… a bit… uncomfortable in the short term— open affection takes getting used to, I am fighting years of desensitization, allow!), isn’t it worth the effort?

All in all… I am happy with the changes I have made. Aside from making the other person in the relationship happy, there are also spillover effects for other relationships with friends and family. At the end of the day…I just cannot be the Ginuwine to someone’s Sole… it could never be me, me, me (*cue track*)

What are your thoughts? Should you change for your partner? Is changing for your partner a slippery slope? 

Leading Lady vs. Best Friend: The Art of Not Dating, and Still Coming up on Top.

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“This is not a hard one to figure out. Iris, in the movies we have leading ladies and we have the best friend. You, I can tell, are a leading lady, but for some reason you are behaving like the best friend.”**

Great quote from one of my favorite movies, The Holiday. Not too much explanation is needed, but in essence the girl likes a friend of hers and is running around doing ‘best friend- like’ duties in hopes that he will see how amazing she is, but she never gets the leading lady status.

So Amma wrote a piece some time ago, which essentially discussed kissing dating goodbye and becoming friends with people (in the hopes that one of the friendships develops further). It was an eye opening piece, and something I’ve naturally kind of taken up. Truth be told, the traditional ‘American’ style of dating here has been a. exhausting and b. not fruitful. Not to mention it inadvertently makes people Ghanaians think you’re a whore. Not my words, but many, many, many other people’s. So naturally I’ve just pretty much migrated to not dating. At first it was something kind of strange to admit, however outside of a couple random first “dates” here and there, not dating has now become a comfortable norm for me. It makes life actually quite simpler, and if you recall, the simple life was all I was looking for this year. In general, not dating boils down to being friends with people and not having pressure (to be or do something after X number of rendezvouses). Although I’m not at the next stage yet, the belief is that in time someone will think that within our friendship ‘I’d make a good life partner for them’. It’s been a personal choice to go down this route, and I’m not saying it’s for everyone. But I told you about the jungle, right? You got folks out here denying your relation- situation-ship with them, faking the relevance you are to them, trivializing your feelings for them and their feelings for you, hedging against wifey with you, cheating on their girlfriends with you, and all other sorts of cowardice behavior, so it would seem that friendship is the safest only route to go in the beginning of getting to know someone.


The whole point is that we all have a spectrum of behavior, and in some regard character is revealed in friendship- when y’all are not officially together- in ways that can be hard to see when one is trying to ‘impress’ the other within X amount of dates. Spending time with someone in a group or exclusively, in a platonic nature, helps you better sift out whether the guy is one of the players or even worse, one of the bad ones masquerading as a good guy… and these latter seem to exist far more than one would think. The whole process involves your own deductive reasoning and also questioning other people about the guy’s past, which can help in establishing patterns of behavior. However that being said, just like any plan of action, no strategy is fool proof. People can still get duped, there can be a lot of miscommunication, and time can still be wasted when you’re “non-dating”. So there are still strategies one should must adopt when one is a ‘non’ dater (particularly if you start preferring one friend’s company over others). In my brief time as a non-dater, there are a few things I’ve picked up on (through experience, but also through the mouths of men themselves). I think these are good food for thought if you’re still trying to come up on top as a non-dater:

  • Just like in dating, for non-dating to materialize into something long term, the guy must actually still want you and believe you’re the cat’s meow; the guy must still pursue you (after you’ve established you’d be open to being pursued). If this doesn’t occur, what will happen is y’all will just be acting like best buds only. You will be running around doing bestie-type duties and one day he’ll show up with his leading lady. Don’t play, it happens, so you need to strategize. I understand that it’s a buyers market in Ghana globally, and it probably will continue to be for the foreseeable future the entire life of my potential child-bearing age. But just like in dating, in non-dating you don’t want to chase a man down into being with you.
  • I know your initial relationship is that of frienship, and nothing more. BUT you need to still make him treat you like a lady- still allow him to pay when y’all hang out (it doesn’t have to be every time); don’t talk about other guys with them as if he’s one of your girlfriends… just don’t; don’t emasculate, belittle, or treat him with disrespect… one of the biggest lessons I’ve learned in my adult years is how fragile a man’s egos is… respect. is. everything. Also, don’t hang out with him and his buddies all the time – men rarely wife ‘one of the homies’. In essence, what you want to do as a friend is to still have a healthy distance, so he can see you as a woman that he could date/ wife/ whatever.
  • In regards to making your feelings known, this can be tricky. Some folks say flirting is ample, and if he doesn’t pick up on it, then it’s not on his mind. However, some folks say you can actually say something. It’s funny, 40-days-datingbecause the majority of the former advice comes from women, and the latter comes from men. I think one needs to gauge your individual relationship and situation here. However of late, I am of the latter camp: I don’t think there is anything wrong with notifying the person of your openness to something further. This, at the very least, removes any miscommunication and the other person can’t ever claim that ‘they didn’t know’. After that, the ball is in his court to move. A lot of men just can’t pick up on non-verbal cues… especially if yall have been just friends. Notifying him of your feelings should be done strategically though, and you have to ready for any outcome: whether he’s interested, not, or needs time. Make sure you figure out how you will behave given any of the outcomes, because the last thing you want is a ruined friendship because you’ve gone and made things awkward.

So what do y’all think? Is non-dating actually better or worse? Are there strategies you can suggest to not get trapped in the best friend bucket?

Random Bonus: I saw this clip of two friends who tried to date for 40days. I don’t know where I was last year, but apparently it was all the craze. SPOILER ALERT: It didn’t work out for them, however it was fascinating reading their daily blog HERE. The thing is a great friendship doesn’t automatically equate to a good romantic relationship… for various reasons. The two of you may not want the same things in life… one of you might not be ready for the work it takes (to love) – which was the case here… or just plainly, one of you may not have romantic feelings for the other. However, it never hurts to try, right?…

** It’s completely cliche, it’s a chick flick, and… welt, it’s got jude law… but, it’s a great movie. Check out the scene (start at 1:05):

Date Night in Accra: New Loves, New Locations!

As a follow up to our Ten Places to Eat: First and Second Date Style, we asked Lydia Elim, of Lydia Loves Good Food (LLGF) fame to guest write a post about some really great places to eat in Accra. Given her experiences roaming about the city finding the best (and worst) Accra has to offer, we figured she would be perfect for giving us the scoop around town. We know that the holidays are prime time for rekindling old flames and meeting new ones. Nothing like a Christmas chill up to bring two wandering souls together under the mistletoe  next to the kebab table. So this is dedicated to the abaa fresh love birds about town. Go and spend your money… and your Christmas cheer, and tell us what you think!

Date night in Accra

Happy New Year to you and yours! So my friends asked me to write a blog post for them on good spots to eat at in Accra. Unfortunately, the Christmas spirit has hit me hard and I’ve been a lazy bum. It’s a known fact that a lot of relationships are birthed during the Christmas season, and I know you lovebirds need places to go eat. So if that relationship continued on into the New Year, congrats! Keep it going strong by checking out some of the restaurants listed below. But don’t worry singletons, you can also enjoy these restaurants with your friends and family! No matter your budget, you should be able to find something to enjoy!

Now THAT is a breakfast of champions. #hearty

Now THAT is a breakfast of champions. #hearty

Bosphorous-Turkish Food: Breakfast

Turkish breakfast? Yup! I was pleasantly surprised at how good the breakfast was, and how reasonably priced it was as well. I couldn’t even finish everything! It’s definitely a nice spot to go to if you want to do a relaxing breakfast or brunch over the weekend. Sleep in, get some good food, go home and sleep some more…now that’s my kind of weekend! Amma: I have not had this meal, but what is appealing is that its perfect for girlfriends who like picking off of plates ahem.guilty.ahem. There is so much to go around, it looks like a breakfast tapa plate. It’s also a good mix of English and American with a smattering of Ottoman delight… love!

Screenshot 2015-01-07 02.31.10Burger and Relish: Burgers

As soon as the owner came by to tell us his experience making such burgers in France, I knew I could expect some kind of European twist. Whether you’re a carnivore, a vegetarian, a pescetarian or a vegan, you can be sure to get something you like. Oh my! And the onion rings! I’m almost tempted to say I loved them more than the burgers. They’re. Fried. To. Perfection. Make sure you get a side of those too. Trust me, our onion breath will be forgivable!

Apple Goodness!

Bistro 22: Bistro Food

Who doesn’t love a good bistro?

Good food.

Good ambiance.

Good music.

This place definitely has all three of these. My favourite? The apple crumble. I wanted more. Actually, I just might go back there this week just for that! Amma: I should also add that the service is probably the best you will get at a restaurant that isn’t a high priced hotel. And that says a lot since service is generally about as elusive as the end to our dumsor issues  missing in action in Accra. The fact that the food is good feels like icing on the cake, and good service and good food always make for great accessories to good company.

D-Den: Nigerian Food

When I was traveling to Lagos often for work some years back, I would also be sure to get some Eba and Egusi. I always loved that dish, and it’s the one dish I’m sure to get when I go to a Nigerian Restaurant. While it’s not easy getting very good food in the East Legon Area, this place is quite good. Warning: If you’re on a lunch date, pre-order your food or you’ll be waiting a while! The good thing about this place is it’s also a lounge, so you can have a drink before going into the restaurant.

Coco Lounge: Various

Wanna dress up? Look cute in that little black dress? Wanna look ever-so-dapper in your evening suit? Want somewhere nice and quick to eat before the next part of your date…at a lounge, perhaps? If so, you should start your night out at Coco Lounge. The good service and light meals mean you won’t be too exhausted and full and you’ll be able to hit the town afterwards!

Screenshot 2015-01-07 02.41.58 Orient Health and Wellness: Thai Food

A few new Thai restaurants have popped up in the past couple of years, but this one is still my favourite. You will most definitely love their Phad Thai, and pretty much anything else you order. I’ve never heard anyone say they didn’t enjoy the food they ate from here! You just can’t get better Thai food in Accra, but if you just so happen to fine one, do let me know. And hey, you could even get a massage pour-deux before your meal. Amma: It always saddens my soul when I go to a Thai spot that does not serve Thai Iced Tea. This is one such spot. Nevertheless, the food is good and well priced, so for all of the complaining I would like to do, I think the food more than makes up for it. But if you could whisper in their ears, anyone out there, let them know.. Thai Iced Tea… would be the cherry on a very delectable cake. 

Cuzzy Bro’s: Burgers

I remember the first time I had a burger from here, and I’m sure that memory will stay with me for a very long time. They have so many burger options, both gourmet and not, I really do want to go back and try every single one of them. Even the burger cynics will enjoy these! You can even play a game of pool while on your date. Everyone loves an amusing date, it makes it more enjoyable. Amma: This list is an awesome update to our initial post on ten places to eat in Accra. I am especially excited that Lydia took the time for this guest post because she offers great candid no nonsense in your face details via her blog and Instagram on her eating experiences.  Plus anyone who takes the time to rate the elements of their experience, has the type of detail I am looking for when trying to figure out where to eat. My favorite review is the Cuzzy Bro’s one… because she used “love” exactly 4 times and this is the required number necessary to compel me to try a burger in Ghana (I usually hate them here). So my next visit to Cuzzy Bro’s must include a burger, by hook or crook.  I have to say that Bistro22 is hands down my favorite on the list (though my financially fit in 2015 goals will likely limit my trips there…) but their service, and that artichoke dip are just heavenly. Lastly, along with her great reviews, Lydia also includes some poignant and insightful relationship advice such as the gems below… lol!

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Let us know if there are other places to consider and visit Lydia’s blog to get the deets on what is delectable and del-eat-able (that started out more clever then it ended… just roll with it… lol!) around these parts. Tell us your thoughts in the comments below!

Male Guest Post: Treat Her Like A Lady, Part II. Whoop Whoop!


We beg, we plead, and y’all treat us like chopped liver. But one guy loves us!🙂 Well really he loves one of us a lot more than the other, however I can get past this given that he’s provided us with a guest post! I’m a little too excited that Amma’s (other) dearest has written a response to my post on chivalry. If you recall, my dinner with him starred in the piece, so when I sent him the post to read he replied to me with the following (and said I could post it on RR). I believe God will richly bless him for this, hehe🙂 So calling on all other men who want God’s rich blessings (and Afua and Amma’s unwavering love)… we would really like for you to write for us. As much as we like to hear ourselves ramble, if you can’t tell by now we are also about learning! Honest. And if for nothing else, we our readers want to know what men think too.

In any case, here’s our male perspective.

.   .   .

Well, that was swanky darling… and not that this is totally a response to what you wrote, but it made me think of the following…

I actually think I take issue with this the “African way” or “American way” when it comes to simple chivalry (chivalry of course being the code by which any gentleman lives by). It’s almost like how you are explaining this quasi-struggle of being a lady, there is too a quasi-struggle going on in the malesphere as well. Both these struggles have men confused about how to treat a lady.

I was genuinely confused when you asked me about the check, not really insulted because you didn’t know who I was or anything, but two things happened: one, you made it seem like American men weren’t up to par of the gentleman and two, that I didn’t know how to be one. Again, you didn’t much know me, but it was odd nonetheless. But chale it no be your fault at all. Men don’t even know themselves what it means to be a man, let alone a gentleman. I’m not exactly sure what happened or how things got like this, but if I had to guess, one thing could be that with the advent of the “witty feminist leaning- 21st century”, men became confused about their responsibilities. Some are perhaps nervous about being chauvinistic and assuming they would/should automatically pick up the check.

e44ebe8adc571f199e566dad68ac77b5To be honest, I cannot feign to tell you about what it means to be a lady. I do know that I am a bit confused about how it is you all want to be perceived and frankly this is a sort of “societal correction” that is long overdue, I’ll let you handle that. Though I would say, why do y’all see fit to have your cake and eat it too? This is neither here nor there, my main thing is this: I would say [to you] do not let you being a lady get in the way of us being gentlemen. I would then say to us, not to let you being a lady get in the way of us being gentlemen. Naturally, people like Ammy Amma would ask, “Well what does it even really mean to be a gentlemen?” To which I’d respond, “Ah, my dearest Ammy, I’m so glad you asked…”

It matters not where you are from nor what tribe you belong to, what religion you ascribe to, it matters not your party affiliation or how you put on your pants. The individual man has been vastly diminished and thinks now that simply growing up without any principles, values or guidance is enough for one to be called a man. The lore is gone. Men have forgotten decorum and conduct. We’ve forgotten that the last stop in our evolution is not to be merely a man, we forgot that we are to evolve into the gentleman/chevalier.

Point blank, one is a gentlemen by conduct. It isn’t some mystic right that belonged solely to King Arthurs and French nobility. It is Being-a-gentlemanlearned. The decline is so persistent because, well, we know little about how to be gentleman anymore. It isn’t rocket science sef. Be gentle, seek to know, be helpful, have a calm disposition and be slow to excitement. Take care of yourself and your belongings. This will in turn help you to take care of a lady and perhaps one day your dog and family. Have manners, and give up foul language. Behave when outside of the bedroom (and sometimes the bathroom). Though this is not all it comes down to, remember to always, absolutely always, do what you can (even if they provoke you, which they will do and do as much as they can) to always make a woman feel like a lady. It was a woman who reared you into this world. To every woman you owe some semblance of courtesy. You might even say that the gentleman is the only one that can make a women feel like a lady.

.  .  .

So I’ll end by saying a few things. First, Amma’s he’s a keeper.. yes. lol – but she already knows how i feel. So moving along to some quotables and my responses:

  • “You made it seem like American men weren’t up to par of the gentleman and two that I didn’t know how to be one.” – I humbly apologize to you, friend and all American men who I’ve unintentionally insulted by assuming you don’t know how to be a gentleman. I never saw things this way at all.
  • “I would say [to you] do not let you being a lady get in the way of us being gentlemen. I would then say to us, not to let you being a lady get in the way of us being gentlemen. – So in essence, I should go on being a lady regardless of a man’s actions? Not sure how this works to be honest though…
  • Point blank, one is a gentlemen by conduct. It isn’t some mystic right that belonged solely to King Arthurs and French nobility. It is learned. – So does that mean a lady can teach a man in his adult years?
  • It isn’t rocket science sef. Be gentle, seek to know, be helpful, have a calm disposition and be slow to excitement. Take care of yourself and your belongings. This will in turn help you to take care of a lady and perhaps one day your dog and family. Have manners, and give up foul language. Behave when outside of the bedroom (and sometimes the bathroom). -Noted.
  • To every woman you owe some semblance of courtesy. – I love this.
  • You might even say that the gentleman is the only one that can make a women feel like a lady.< THIS. RIGHT. CHERE. So, to be a lady a woman has to be treated like one, and it is not any man who knows how to do that (it is a gentleman that does). Interesting. I’ll say, when a man treats me like a lady, I do feel more like one… if that makes sense

Thanks for the male perspective, friend!

Reactions, RR?

Hedging: Play Now, Pay Later

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“To protect (one’s investment or an investor) against loss by making balancing or compensating contracts or transactions.”

According to my Mac Spotlight dictionary.

A coward who’s scared to make a permanent decision on a woman.

According to Afua’s dictionary.


Let’s get into this a little, because it’s one of the most annoying things known to a Woman. So… you meet a guy, he’s chill… hence why y’all start Chilling. And then in some distant, not-so distant future you find out: he’s definitely wifed up. And NOT in the sense that he’s actually said the I-do’s, but that he is near-married, near-engaged, near-co-habitating… near-COMMITTED (however you want to package it). So then the questions start flying, “Why in God’s name was he hanging out with me, with no mention of his “wifey”? ” Ladies and gentlemen, I give you:


The art of protecting your prized asset (your arse heart) from an investment you’re not 100% sure will produce the future returns you once calculated thought. The art of diversifying your portfolio to see whether higher returns can be made elsewhere… because any half brain could tell you that going all in on something you’re not 100% sure of is just plain stupid, right?. . . Have you heard of counting your chickens before they hatch? (Usually in reference to a woman eagerly awaiting a proposal, which may or may not ever come). Well hedging is in essence not counting anything… at all.

I’ve heard enough stories of hedging now to know it like better than the back of my hand:

  • boy meets girl (or girls), who he is attracted to. Girl(s) could be new, girl(s) could be old, it’s equal opportunity.
  • boy begins to implicitly or explicitly, or both-ly (?), make moves. ie. inappropriate behavior for someone in a “committed” relationship. This can vary in degree, from acting oblivious or nonchalant about his current relationship’s future… to making propositions such as, “hey, how come you’ve never thought about us being together; we’d make a good pair.” … to outright physical cheating. Note: in all this, boy can disclose or conceal his current relationship, this is also equal opportunity.
  • boy then comes to his senses. And… full stop.

A rather predictable fable, no?

So what makes hedging different from cheating? I’m glad you asked. The important distinction between hedging and mere cheating is that we’re not talking about people who have been dating some few months to maybe a year or two. We’re talking about people who are going on damn near 10yrs (lol naw, but more like anything over 2-3yrs). When generally it’s time to start making moves towards a forever-type situation. For hedging to take place, it must be preceded by movement towards a deeper level of commitment.

girls abr3

GIrls are tired of relationship wahala

Interestingly, (as noted in my neatly bulleted synopsis) what I’ve seen from men who engage in hedging is that they end up marrying wifey anyways. Therefore, it all becomes just a lot of wahala to make them feel more confident in the decision their actions have basically already made- – please ask yourself, what have the last 5years been about then? If that 20% of her that you’re not sure of really makes you want to step out, but that 80% kept you in for 6yrs… chale chale girls abr3 paa**. This thing is just a waste of everyone involved’s time.

I’m guessing another question on your mind is: what happens on wifey’s end? …Welt, let’s first make the assumption that wifey actually knows hedging is upon her (sadly, for some women this is a big assumption… And understandably – I’ve been with you for five years, why wouldn’t I be secure in what we have?). So assuming she actually knows, then perhaps she weathers the storm and banks on the fact that her asset can keep the investor committed, or at the very least fend off other attractive investments long enough for the investor to surrender to come to his senses. Or perhaps she does some hedging herself, to hedge against the hedging… <?> dear God, my head actually hurts thinking about this. Really, I just don’t get it. After a said amount of time, haven’t y’all made a decision? You’re telling me in year 3, year 4… year 8 maybe, y’all didn’t stop to think ‘wait, why are we doing this again?’ Whatever happened to road maps before a journey begins? Or a compass even? *sigh*

I think my frustration lies in the fact that I’ve seen a few too many hedging situations of late. Maybe it’s always been there, and now I’m just at the age where those around me are the one’s actually involved in it. I know life blogger-image--1298430667is complicated- obviously it’s not a small task to have to pick someone to spend the rest of your life with, however to me… I think we get too hung up on the picking part sometimes. When the foundational things are solidified and you’ve picked (judging by your actions of being with this person for 10yrs already), then it shouldn’t be much to take that leap to the next level, no? Perhaps if we were less worried about the picking part, about getting someone who ticks more boxes than the last, about hedging against the hedging, then we could work on the stuff that actually matters… you know, the real hard work that comes afterwards (which will happen regardless of who the woman is). That daily grind of sacrificing oneself for another individual, which will still take place whether it’s Jackie from school or Abena from the next cubicle. I mean at some point you just pick. No hedging, no temporary backing out, and for God’s sake no hedging against the hedging. You just make a decision, and stick with it. *shrug*

**Girls are tired (of relationship wahala)


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aaa ya, not me. I know that’s what you were thinking, given my silence for the last few months. But no, the title refers to my friend’s ex.

You know that‘ ex, the one you always thought may would come back. That one that you can’t really put your finger on why ya’ll didn’t get your act together (simultaneously). The one that captured your heart and then went on to capture and permanently lock down another’s. Ya that one. He got engaged not too long ago and I had the privilege of producing the evidence.

. . .

“Afua, you up?”

{…I was, because somehow the wee hours of the morning are my friends}


“I just found out that XXXX is engaged. Can you stalk his Facebook page for me? I unfriended him.”


{…hmmm… It’s in moments like these that one must assess your level of love for your friend. On one hand, you’re her ride or die… doing anything she would have need of you to do; on the other hand, you’re. her. ride. or. die., which calls for making tough decisions about things that could possibly bring her more harm than good}.

“Hun, you sure about this? I mean there is a reason you unfriended him, right?”

“I know, I just want to see what folks are saying and what the ring looks like.”

{Now that just sounds like cruel and unusual punishment to me, but let’s be honest… i get it. I’ll most likely be in the exact same position within a year or so, and I know the fight of wanting to not want to know is a losing battle. Given the question of how I would want a friend to handle the situation for me, the answer was very simple…}

“Fine, here you go.”

What followed next was a flurry of screenshots of congratulatory messages; twin statuses professing love for ‘the only being in the world to fully understand me and love me like I deserve’, and him liking it so much that he “put a ring on it”…paired with a gazillion nods of approval. You know the drill.

“I hope it rains on their wedding day.”

My reaction on the other end, a childish smile marred by a cloud of silence… Some things just don’t need a response.






“You okay?”

“…ya, I think.”

“I mean I knew it was coming, but I’d be lying if I didn’t say I wasn’t just a slight bit hurt. I just thought…  ”

. . .

She didn’t need to finish the thought, because I knew.

I think what’s worse than not being with an ex anymore, is seeing them (seemingly) happily moved on while you haven’t quite yet. When no amounts of “You’re amazingIt’s his lossYou’ll find anotherThere’s a reason for everythingHe wasn’t the one for you” can mask the pain of flat out rejection. He didn’t pick you. Even if it was a blessing in disguise (even if you don’t want him anymore). It. still. sucks. that. he. didn’t. pick. you.

If you can remember this post some time back, specifically the article All the Single Ladies. There’s a story the author retells about her ex, which used to send shock waves to my system:

“After the worst of our breakup, we eventually found our way to a friendship so deep and sustaining that several years ago, when he got engaged, his fiancée suggested that I help him buy his wedding suit. As he and I toured through Manhattan’s men’s-wear ateliers, we enjoyed explaining to the confused tailors and salesclerks that no, no, we weren’t getting married. Isn’t life funny that way?

Wedding shopping? Really? Hmm… so how can one get from praying for rain to that Things_Finger_Pointing_UP?

Perhaps I’ll discuss that in another blog at a later date… But for now, I’ll say this- I know my friend well, and I know she’ll be fine. There will be a time when the hurt is gone hurts less and the ‘what ifs’ subside. The key is getting to a place where you recognize that even being single trumps being with someone that you’re not supposed to be with. And if there are regrets, it’s about accepting things (because sometimes you’ll never really know if you chose the right path), and learning from the situation and moving forward… in any way you can (even if that means deleting him from social media).

– – –

Just in case you were wondering- Regarding my last post: I never called. He did, eventually. Just not in time for my interest to still be intact.